This week I went with the boy who shares my life to a Tae Kwon Do class. I watched as he followed the instructions, trying to do sit ups and jabs and reverse jabs, he was so happy. At the end, all the children were learning a sequence, and I watched as he copied as best he could and then at the end shouted "YAH!" along with the other children.
I was amazed at the freedom of his expression - how he really didn't care what anyone else thought of him, didn't care if he was doing it "right", he was so at ease with himself. I recalled how awquard I felt in my own skin, even up until recent years and how even now, I probably couldn't do what he did. I would just have felt so selfconsicous, so embarassed, so afraid of negative judgement. I am so entrenched in fear that I often miss life's opportunities. So damaged.
And as I watched him, long awaited tears fell down my cheeks, I gulped in pain. I was so proud of him the emotion was brimming. I was just ecstatic with joy that he was so free.
Since then, I have been thinking about how to not damage his authentic expression. How can I stop his confidence being damaged? May be there are no gaurentees, but I believe with care, with self care too, I can be the mother that I need to be to protect him when I need to.
I am getting closer and closer to pulling him out of school. After two months of school, he has been taught about retribution, seen children punished when in need of healing and learnt how to be controlled with punishments and rewards. I am sure he has learnt lots of positive beautiful things, like.... when a mother came in to talk about alternatives to houses, and meeting a builder, and discovering about the past 100 years. But I am just not sure that I want to risk loosing his creativity and authenticity? Whilst so many children thrive in school, it isn't suitable for every child because it caters for one type of personality, one type of learning style. The trouble is I don't know if it is his style and deep down I doubt it is.
All I know right now is that I am so lucky to share my life with these children.
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Saturday, 22 October 2011
Monday, 3 October 2011
School Days
My son has just started school. There was much trepidation in him starting, due to the fact that his school ( like most) is very much built on the philosophy that children need to be taught and controlled.
From the way society is going, it is clear that conditional love and fear based parenting practice isn't working. I want my children to enjoy learning. Schools can extinguish the joy a child naturally feels when learning, they either do "work" because they are addicting to pleasing their teachers and parents, because they're competing with peers, because they're going after rewards, or because they are scared of failure (and we know greatness comes from learning from mistakes right) - so traditional school doesn't follow my wishes for my children or any child for that matter.
Praise/rewards and punishment are different sides of the same coin. Over 70 studies have shown that extrinsic motivators are not merely ineffective long term, but can be counter productive. They damage self esteem and the child's authenticity because the child becomes addicted to pleasing others.
On Friday I get a letter from his school saying he has been selected to join a special communication group where he'll learn to make eye contact, to not talk unless his turn, to make and keep friends, to have empathy etc. I do not believe that children learn these things by being taught. I don't tell my son to say thank you, I model it - and no he doesn't say thank you all the time, but when he does it is true genuine gratitude. If as soon as I gave him something, I said "say thank you" I'd take away my joy in giving and worse, I would have robbed my son of the opportunity to contemplate and feel gracious.
Children don't learn empathy from being told about it - they learn from seeing it, experiencing unconditional love.
You might ask why he has been selected - well I never said I was perfect, and these are my ideals that I need support to carry out. This is my aim and I'm getting closer.
Interesting reads:
Alfie Kohn
http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/pbracwak.HTML
Naomi Aldort
http://www.naomialdort.com/articles3.html
Teresa Graham Brett
http://www.parentingforsocialchange.com/
Robin Grille
http://www.naturalchild.org/ppw/
Please note: My blog is now open for comments
From the way society is going, it is clear that conditional love and fear based parenting practice isn't working. I want my children to enjoy learning. Schools can extinguish the joy a child naturally feels when learning, they either do "work" because they are addicting to pleasing their teachers and parents, because they're competing with peers, because they're going after rewards, or because they are scared of failure (and we know greatness comes from learning from mistakes right) - so traditional school doesn't follow my wishes for my children or any child for that matter.
Praise/rewards and punishment are different sides of the same coin. Over 70 studies have shown that extrinsic motivators are not merely ineffective long term, but can be counter productive. They damage self esteem and the child's authenticity because the child becomes addicted to pleasing others.
On Friday I get a letter from his school saying he has been selected to join a special communication group where he'll learn to make eye contact, to not talk unless his turn, to make and keep friends, to have empathy etc. I do not believe that children learn these things by being taught. I don't tell my son to say thank you, I model it - and no he doesn't say thank you all the time, but when he does it is true genuine gratitude. If as soon as I gave him something, I said "say thank you" I'd take away my joy in giving and worse, I would have robbed my son of the opportunity to contemplate and feel gracious.
Children don't learn empathy from being told about it - they learn from seeing it, experiencing unconditional love.
You might ask why he has been selected - well I never said I was perfect, and these are my ideals that I need support to carry out. This is my aim and I'm getting closer.
Interesting reads:
Alfie Kohn
http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/pbracwak.HTML
Naomi Aldort
http://www.naomialdort.com/articles3.html
Teresa Graham Brett
http://www.parentingforsocialchange.com/
Robin Grille
http://www.naturalchild.org/ppw/
Please note: My blog is now open for comments
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