A Story to Make us Think

"When I was about twenty years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time.

"But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking — the first in his life. And she told him he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying.

"He said to her, 'Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock you can throw at me.' All of the sudden a mother understood how the situation felt from the child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone.

"The mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. Because violence begins in the nursery — one can raise children into becoming violent."

~ Astrid Lindgren, author of "Pippi Longstocking" (From a peace prize acceptance speech)

Toys and Television

One year after darling boy came into this world, I can recall a friend being horrified that I hadn't bought him a gift. I reasoned that he didn't need one. I bought most clothes and toys from a second hand sale, and just, didn't need anything.

I was shamed enough on her insistence to then and there go and buy a plastic toy vacuum cleaner. Two days after his birthday it broke and I returned it secretly pleased.

For starters, I hate plastic. I hate throwaway culture and how disposable people deem plastic to be when it is actually not degradable and often toxic.

What I find even worse than plastic toys, are light and sound toys. Not only do they drive me mad but they are so tacky and for want of a better word, patronising! You may wonder how can a plastic toy be patronising, perhaps it can't, perhaps manipulative is a better word. It is just that children learn exactly what they need to learn when they need to learn it, given opportunities. But manufacturers think how can I get people to buy our tat and make money? Hmm we'll pretend babies need this! We'll make parents think babies need to be super-stimulated and need more and more toys in order to learn and be "clever". That brings me to an even worse toy crime - having too many toys.

Many would not agree with me. Therefore I will start with my television argument. There is a plethora of research stating that brain activity is at its lowest when watching TV. The brain activity when watching TV is LESS than when one is sleeping. You may think what is wrong with that, but then consider how a child's brain could be developing in that time instead.

I believe or propose at least, that having a lot of toys makes play passive; in a similar way that TV works. Notice that when a child is infront of a lot of toys they don't play with anything for long. They move from one thing to the next very quickly, there is no involvement or play going on. Compare this to a child instigating play and being deeply involved in exploration? E.g tonight whilst in the bath Curly Locks picked up a boat and scrutinised it for a long time, she dipped it in and out the water, used it as a cup, dipped her fingers in it. I watched her exploring the boat for quite some time. Left to self-regulate, children have a long concentration span. When exposed to a lot of TV they don't.

As a result of not having television and having a few toys (mainly wooden toys and puzzles) I wonder if this has allowed the children in my life more freedom to direct their own learning and play.

Today my son found a DVD he had been given as a handout 5 months ago. He asked to watch it and I put it on as such requests are rare. I worry slightly less about the occasional DVD because there is slightly less brainwashing. On this DVD however, the first words echoed in my mind "we hope you enjoy this Episode from the Disney Channel, do watch us every day" - at that point, as I walked up the stairs, I didn't doubt our opposition to television and a room full of toys.

Sources:
http://www.limitv.org/preschool.htm
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/06/090601182830.htm
http://hassam.hubpages.com/hub/Effects-Of-Television-On-Humans

Photograph courtesy of the boy who shares my life

Talking to the Little You

The boy who shares my life was going to school one day, and as we were leaving he told me that a little boy who I shall name Timothy was being put in a naughty chair “all of the time”.  When I asked what naughty meant he said it meant he was not being nice, when I asked how he said he wasn’t sitting as the teacher wanted him to, and pushed, hit and hurt other children. I just felt very sad for Timothy because for a boy of his age 5-6 years to be wanting to hurt other children he must be feeling hurt himself, frustrated, misunderstood even. And to be punished for that just doesn’t seem fair. 

I understand that it is not appropriate to hurt other people but I thought it could be handled differently, and singling him out and sitting him in a naughty chair must just compound his ill feelings towards himself and others.

I thought about if I met Timothy, what I could say to him to make him feel better – all I could think is that he would want to feel understood.  I thought about what I would say to him, and then I realised it was what I would have wanted someone to say to me.

I can remember being may be 7 years old and playing hopscotch. This friend of mine was playing really excitedly and freely and I got really irritated and angry, may be because I couldn’t play like that, and when she went to jump over me I purposefully tripped her up. I can remember how it felt, how satisfying it felt, how it healed some hurt or at least reduced it for a while. But I can also remember the shame I felt about feeling like that.

 I would say something like: ”When I was at school I used to hurt other children and I didn’t want to do what the teachers wanted, do you know how that feels? I am so happy you understand, I always felt like no-one understood. And I hurt inside and that made me want to hurt other people. Do you know how that feels. That makes me feel better knowing someone else gets it. And you know, when the teachers or my mummy or daddy told me off, it just made me feel worse. It made me feel wrong but what I was feeling was right and perfectly normal. Do you know how that feels?” 

And then I thought about the boy who shares my life and how I loose perspective and empathy with him. May be if I saw myself as him more it would allow me to respond to him more compassionately?

Boundaries Part Two

I also trust that the children who share my life will learn things as they need to without being taught. Some people may say that children need boundaries in what they are allowed to say and do. If you have an issue in what a child says that is your issue surely and if it triggers something, then that is an opportunity for you to heal. As an example, I was sat in the car talking to the boy who shares my life, and he turned around and shouted “be quiet, stop talking to me” and it got louder and more angry when I questioned him. I normally would have gotten angry and not known what to do but yesterday I sat in it. I said nothing and I felt what he had triggered – it wasn’t really anger it was deep shame and self-hatred and resentment. Partly because he was just repeating what I had said to him(and really shouldn’t have). Manners are taught through being respectful. I have written about this before but I really believe that being told to say thank you, please etc robs a child of their ability to learn about gratitude, because they are being humiliated and shamed to parrot expressions!

I have been told that I need to push him to socialise. Well he is very chatty to people he meets that he instinctively trusts. When we go out and someone talks to him that he doesn’t want to talk to, I am not going to humiliate him and call him “shy” or push him to “say hello” because I trust his instincts. There are some people that we just get a bad feel for and I do not want him to loose his ability to know himself. I am there to talk to them and be the source of manners, and he will learn small chat from seeing me.

Another area of self regulation is with food – as a child we are told when and what to eat. What if we never were? People wonder why there are so many unhealthy people who overeat and have completely lost touch of what they need to eat, or to eat when only hungry, to distinguish thirst and hunger– well is it really a surprise when from an early age purees are shoved in unwilling babies mouths, babies are weaned before they are ready, children are coerced, forced, bribed to eat even just one more spoon or to try something, disallowing certain foods when someone thinks they have had enough. Imagine baby led weaning and trusting your baby knows exactly what to eat and when (I am not talking junk food which is in effect a drug and no-one is able to regulate because the hydrogenated fat and refined sugar is addictive). As an example, one of the baby girls in my life is going through a phase of just wanting to eat yoghurt, I trust that it is a phase and after a few days she will recognise that her body needs something else – so I’ll wait it out. Again my son was not baby led weaned, and I went through a naive period of using reward charts to get him to eat and now he has little self-regulation so I need to step back and let him learn to self regulate again before it is to late.

The difference being in the first list of imposed boundaries, to the second set which I do not impose which I have been told I should, is that in day to day life we don’t play on a road so neither will the children who share my life – it is always dangerous, we don’t play with chemicals – but we do have confidence in what our bodies can do and we do have faith in our ability to use basic tools.

Bibliography

• Aldort, Naomi. Raising our children, raising ourselves. (paperback)
• Aldort, Naomi. Trusting our children, trusting ourselves. (CD)
• Graham Brent. Teresa. Parenting for social change.
• Grille, Robin. Parenting for a peaceful world
• Jackson, Deborah. Letting go as children grow. (paperback)
• Jackson, Deborah. Three in a bed: the benefits of sleeping with your baby. (paperback)
• Liedloff, Jean. The continuum concept.

Boundaries Part One

I cannot be sure, but from most of the authoritarian parents I encounter, they believe me to be permissive/indulgent, even somewhat neglectful due to my different opinion about boundaries.

 There are (if you did wish to categorise) four styles of parenting – authoritarian (traditional coercive, socialising style), neglectful, indulgent/permissive and authoritative (helping, respectful style). I consider myself to follow the latter.

The difference being I can gather, is regarding trust, interference and whether you guide them respectfully with love, or not at all. I am consciously trying not to use control measures to train my children like manipulative use of praise, punishment, rewards, or evaluation so may be that is seen as neglectful. I tend to watch and be a guide when required. For instance if my son brings me a picture, I don’t praise or evaluate like “oh wow good boy, aren’t you a good drawer!” I just validate his own expression of achievement so he relies on his own standards and feedback.  For instance I would mirror his emotions and say “I see it, I see your picture. You have used lots of colours. When did you learn to draw like this? You figured it out by yourself!” But anyway, back to boundaries!

I feel extremely frustrated about the accusation that I have no boundaries. I know my failings because I have analysed myself to death.  They are that I can be inconsistent, too emotional, I let myself be bullied and I can be very indecisive and that means that I am not strong in myself – a big fail. But I am working on all those areas.

But will I create more boundaries for the sake of fitting in? No, I cannot do that because my lack of control in is purposeful. I shall explain after exploring some boundaries I have in place. Safety is where I draw the line – I child proof rather than say no all the time, because then no really does mean no. I remember being in a supermarket and seeing a boy walking around with his dad who was saying “no don’t walk like that , Oliveeeer don’t touch that, Oliiveeeeeeeeer NO NO NO don’t walk there, no don’t walk so fast, no Oliveeer can you not see you are in his way….”. Any one could see that Oliver was blocking out his dad’s incessant whining and any “no” coming from his lips wasn’t taken seriously because his dad’s over control created a world, where Oliver didn’t know what he should be doing at all.

So some examples of my boundaries: I have created a child free kitchen when I am cooking by child proofing it and placing a baby gate across the archway, playing with chemicals and wash powder is a definite no, eating soil is a no, eating anything poisonous or breakable is a no, no walking on a road, not playing with glass, no hot water, basically anything dangerous and without an opportunity to learn .

And here is where I may shock you. Because here are some boundaries that I probably should impose for social reasons but do not, and I will explain why. My children as babies have or will be introduced to climbing, scissors, knives, graters and peelers, and stairs. At around two years old (and definitely by age 3), my son was able to use a knife to chop vegetables, he could grate himself cheese, and peel vegetables. When I see the children who share my life trying to use tools, I guide them. If I am using a pair of scissors and a little pair of hands tries to grab them, I validate “yes, I see you want to use the scissors, let us explore together – you see these blades are sharp, I never touch them ouch ouch,  this is what they are for – we cut things” and I guide their hands to hold the scissors and we cut together. Some might say I am encouraging them, I would argue that they are in less danger of accidents because they know how to use the tool properly and do not have the same unnatural curiosity about these objects that other children do.  My opinions about stairs and climbing have changed since the boy who shares my life has grown. When he was a baby, I was a lot more fearful and did not trust that he knew what his body could do, I can see now that my fears have become his fears. I taught him not to trust his body and he now has a lack of coordination and lack of trust in his physical ability that brings on raging feelings of guilt in me.

Every time he went to climb or he lightly fell, I would rush over grimaced face giving him the impression he could not trust himself to know when he was upset or what his abilities were. Since then I have learnt that children know what their bodies can do WHEN left alone to learn without interference.  As an example, if you look at babies from tribes who live in high up tree houses, they do not fall. If you look at tribes which have deep holes dug out in the ground, the babies crawl to the edge, look down, then crawl away and never go close enough to fall in. It is not because they have the fear of God in them but because they have been left to explore and discover for themselves. As I am sure you have experienced, being told not to do something doesn’t make you not want to do it, it just makes you even more curious.  For most children taught not to do things out of fear, they’ll just wait to do it when the source of fear is not around!

Can you imagine the trust involved from the mother? Seeing your baby crawl across, and look down a huge drop? Can you imagine. Can you then imagine knowing your baby needs to learn themselves and letting go? Well I tried an experiment at home. One of the babies that shares my life was constantly trying to climb on the table, and I started off by pulling her off constantly. Then I remembered to trust her so she could trust herself. I saw her going to climb and I smiled benignly and went about my business. Next thing I see she is sat on top of the dining table helping herself to a piece of fruit.    I then watch as she tries to back off the table, she lays on her tummy and pushed backwards – she missed the chair and dangled her legs down. At this point I got very nervous and wanted to “save her”. I walked closer but did not touch her. I watched as she pulled herself back onto the table, she then shifted over and repeated the movement until she made contact with the chair. She then sat in the chair, very content. She repeated this three times and then went off to play on the ground. She learnt how to climb on and off a table, without accidents, without intervention because she had confidence and trust in herself. She has since learnt to climb the stairs and comeback down, as has her sister (both 15 months). I cannot lie and say I trust them enough to do this without me around, but as they gain confidence so do I. Now I can sit at the bottom of the stairs waiting for them to come down, seeing how happy they are with their own ability.

The difference being in the first list of imposed boundaries, to the second set which I do not impose which I have been told I should, is that in day to day life we don’t play on a road so neither will the children who share my life – it is always dangerous, we don’t play with chemicals – but we do have confidence in what our bodies can do and we do have faith in our ability to use basic tools.

  

Bibliography

• Aldort, Naomi.  Raising our children, raising ourselves. (paperback)
• Aldort, Naomi.  Trusting our children, trusting ourselves. (CD)
• Graham Brent. Teresa. Parenting for social change.
• Grille, Robin. Parenting for a peaceful world
• Jackson, Deborah. Letting go as children grow. (paperback)
• Jackson, Deborah. Three in a bed: the benefits of sleeping with your baby. (paperback)
• Liedloff, Jean. The continuum concept.

Being an Authentic Child

This week I went with the boy who shares my life to a Tae Kwon Do class.  I watched as he followed the instructions, trying to do sit ups and jabs and reverse jabs, he was so happy. At the end, all the children were learning a sequence, and I watched as he copied as best he could and then at the end shouted "YAH!" along with the other children.

I was amazed at the freedom of his expression - how he really didn't care what anyone else thought of him, didn't care if he was doing it "right", he was so at ease with himself. I recalled how awquard I felt in my own skin, even up until recent years and how even now, I probably couldn't do what he did. I would just have felt so selfconsicous, so embarassed,   so afraid of negative judgement. I am so entrenched in fear that I often miss life's opportunities. So damaged.
  
And as I watched him, long awaited tears fell down my cheeks, I gulped in pain. I was so proud of him the emotion was brimming. I was just ecstatic with joy that he was so free.

Since then, I have been thinking about how to not damage his authentic expression.  How can I stop his confidence being damaged? May be there are no gaurentees, but I believe with care, with self care too, I can be the mother that I need to be to protect him when I need to.

I am getting closer and closer to pulling him out of school. After two months of school, he has been taught about retribution, seen children punished when in need of healing and learnt how to be controlled with punishments and rewards. I am sure he has learnt lots of positive beautiful things, like....  when a mother came in to talk about alternatives to houses, and meeting a builder, and discovering about the past 100 years. But I am just not sure that I want to risk loosing his creativity and authenticity? Whilst so many children thrive in school, it isn't suitable for every child because it caters for one type of personality, one type of learning style.  The trouble is I don't know if it is his style and deep down I doubt it is.

All I know right now is that I am so lucky to share my life with these children.

Child Stealing and children learning eugenics in schools

Seriously.

Bankers have been funding military like training programs in schools with the teaching of eugenics. They have also formed a charity which isn't so charitable - Barnados and then I learn about child stealing.

I wouldn't believe it had I not seen so much evidence.

And this in England? What sort of society are they trying to create? This goes against everything I believe in for children and societal change.