I thought over the next fortnight I would review some of the recent books I have read.
For me having struggled to attachment parent in an authoritarian culture, reading Naomi's book was like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally - yes, yes, YES! At last I found a voice that supported my views and also challenged me to build on my skills to be a trusting loving model of a parent.
If like me, you started off with the best intentions but worry whether your child actually feels loved (even though of course you love them) this book is a great read. This book is to help parents raise themselves to be the parent their child needs them to be.
Naomi suggests you use the rewind technique and the SALVE formula to eliminate parenting based on negative taught behaviours and beliefs. She recommends when your child does something that pushes your button, like spilling milk, that you:
S stop and separate your thoughts from the action. Run how you are about to react in your head, then think I want to be loving instead.
A give your child attention
L listen to your child
V validate their feelings as right
E empower your child
Naomi believes that the child is always right. That our parenting capability is clouded by our limiting beliefs. Authentic parenting is not to be confused with permissive parenting - see my earlier blog - there are boundaries but they are imposed in a way that allows the child to be authentic and feel unconditionally loved.
The difficulty is how to do it. I reread the book three times and I struggled to know what to do. I have found that Naomi's book is best supported by the free podcasts of her speaking on iTunes and some of her CDs. She also has a website with FAQs. However if you keep using her SALVE formula, it gets easier because you start listening to your own natural instinct and therefore parent authentically.
Sunday, 31 July 2011
Saturday, 30 July 2011
The Scent of a Mummy
I will always remember the lingering aroma of my mother - then her perfumes were Rive Gauche or Paris. My parents had and still have a good social life. When I was young, they'd frequently go out in the evening, or at least it felt that way. And I'd long for them to come back as every child does.
Desperately, I would try to stay awake longing to catch their return. If I fell asleep, I'd jump awake - and I knew they were back because I could smell her scent hanging in the air of my bedroom. I'd snuggle back in my duvet and smile.
I felt safe again.
Desperately, I would try to stay awake longing to catch their return. If I fell asleep, I'd jump awake - and I knew they were back because I could smell her scent hanging in the air of my bedroom. I'd snuggle back in my duvet and smile.
I felt safe again.
Friday, 29 July 2011
Naughty Words
Whenever I hear the word "should" I cringe. I hear myself thinking I should or shouldn't do that, my family should or shouldn't do that, people should or shouldn't do that, and it causes stress. Because should and shouldn't's are beliefs that limit you and make you narrow minded.
I have recently started to be more conscious, thinking is it true? Should Captain Underpants make his bed - I want the bed made, he doesn't. So by being angry or disappointed in him, by having this expectation of him he won't meet - I'm imposing my stressful limiting beliefs on him. And making myself stressed! If I didn't have the thought, I'd simply make the bed if I wanted it made.
If you actually questioned ANY and all your beliefs that cause stress, would even one be resolutely true?
I've been writing down all the thoughts that I got stressed about and not found one that was absolutely, resoundingly 100 percent true.
Here is one thought that stresses me to show you how to work on it:
People should stop criticising me.
1. Is it true?
Yes, they're so rude! They say things I wouldn't dare.
2. Is it absolutely true - that people shouldn't criticise me?
Okay, may be not. Because they do and that's their business. No matter how I feel about it they'll still do it because that's them. I guess I should just walk away.
3. How do you react when you have that thought?
Ashamed, humiliated, angry. Very angry! Incensed. I don't say anything and then seethe, and if I do defend myself I still seethe because they don't accept my point of view.
4. Who would you be without that thought?
I'd not be holding on to these emotions I cannot face. I'd not hide behind anger. I'd just walk away and think that us their business to criticise, it's not mine to listen or even defend because defence is the first act of war.
5. Turn the thought around (with 3 reasons why the statement is true or truer than the original):
People should criticise me
(Because it is our way to judge - the sky is blue, the grass is green - they're judgements. Because people have beliefs that they don't question and that is their business not mine to change. Because people are scared of what they don't know so they're voicing fears).
I should not criticise other people
(Because I judge others and criticise them in my head and out loud so it's hypocritical. Because it isn't Godly. Because I'd rather have positive loving thoughts).
I should not criticise me
(Because I am very hard on myself and don't celebrate my positive traits. Because I feel guilty about errors rather than seeing them as opportunities to learn. Because it isn't useful - blameless acceptance of my issues will create learning opportunities).
This doesn't mean I accept people's mistreatment of me when I "work" on it. It just means I get less stressed and deal with it. If someone hurts me, I ask them to stop, they don't, I distance myself. As an example I was getting really annoyed at the park because I don't want people smoking near my children - so I can politely ask them to move away and move away myself.
Source: Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions that will change your life.
I have recently started to be more conscious, thinking is it true? Should Captain Underpants make his bed - I want the bed made, he doesn't. So by being angry or disappointed in him, by having this expectation of him he won't meet - I'm imposing my stressful limiting beliefs on him. And making myself stressed! If I didn't have the thought, I'd simply make the bed if I wanted it made.
If you actually questioned ANY and all your beliefs that cause stress, would even one be resolutely true?
I've been writing down all the thoughts that I got stressed about and not found one that was absolutely, resoundingly 100 percent true.
Here is one thought that stresses me to show you how to work on it:
People should stop criticising me.
1. Is it true?
Yes, they're so rude! They say things I wouldn't dare.
2. Is it absolutely true - that people shouldn't criticise me?
Okay, may be not. Because they do and that's their business. No matter how I feel about it they'll still do it because that's them. I guess I should just walk away.
3. How do you react when you have that thought?
Ashamed, humiliated, angry. Very angry! Incensed. I don't say anything and then seethe, and if I do defend myself I still seethe because they don't accept my point of view.
4. Who would you be without that thought?
I'd not be holding on to these emotions I cannot face. I'd not hide behind anger. I'd just walk away and think that us their business to criticise, it's not mine to listen or even defend because defence is the first act of war.
5. Turn the thought around (with 3 reasons why the statement is true or truer than the original):
People should criticise me
(Because it is our way to judge - the sky is blue, the grass is green - they're judgements. Because people have beliefs that they don't question and that is their business not mine to change. Because people are scared of what they don't know so they're voicing fears).
I should not criticise other people
(Because I judge others and criticise them in my head and out loud so it's hypocritical. Because it isn't Godly. Because I'd rather have positive loving thoughts).
I should not criticise me
(Because I am very hard on myself and don't celebrate my positive traits. Because I feel guilty about errors rather than seeing them as opportunities to learn. Because it isn't useful - blameless acceptance of my issues will create learning opportunities).
This doesn't mean I accept people's mistreatment of me when I "work" on it. It just means I get less stressed and deal with it. If someone hurts me, I ask them to stop, they don't, I distance myself. As an example I was getting really annoyed at the park because I don't want people smoking near my children - so I can politely ask them to move away and move away myself.
Source: Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions that will change your life.
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Why you Have to Love Yourself
As if there isn't enough pressure to be a good parent. I pressure myself to love unconditionally, to embrace my child's authenticity and model good behaviour. To be a good wife and mother, to have a clean and tidy house, garden and mind. And if that isn't work enough, for me, I need to love myself to do this properly.
I spoke with a parenting (authentic parenting / attraction parenting / attachment parenting - does it need a label?) counsellor, and I outlined our issues and she said to me something on the lines of why am I letting people criticise me and belittle me? Why am I letting myself be bullied? I, she pointed out, am modelling poor self esteem, I'm showing my son it's okay to be abused. Ouch. But sadly it is true.
In trying to seek approval from people that won't accept me or my opinions, I wonder - have I missed out on a most important trait to model - self respect and hence, self love?
I let other people's (albeit perceived) negative voices seep inside me, to creep up so I get angry believing my children should or shouldn't do something. I am letting other people's self-limiting beliefs limit me.
I know I should not speak ill of others and if I have an issue with someone treating me wrong I should say no. But that part of me, is just going to have to wait. Because it takes time and energy to fight my inner negative voice, and I don't have it in me to take the pain out of every stressful thought when every negative encounter brings more.
In the instance that you encounter a negative critical person that you cannot be assertive with for whatever reason, the most loving thing to do is create a distance, politely.
Because if you let someone treat you badly, you're not respecting them either. Truly. l have absorbed other people's negativity and then I seethed and had bad thoughts about them. I've wronged us both because I've withheld an opportunity for mutual growth and respect.
So whether I smile and walk away, or stay and assert my true voice, it has to be done with love.
I spoke with a parenting (authentic parenting / attraction parenting / attachment parenting - does it need a label?) counsellor, and I outlined our issues and she said to me something on the lines of why am I letting people criticise me and belittle me? Why am I letting myself be bullied? I, she pointed out, am modelling poor self esteem, I'm showing my son it's okay to be abused. Ouch. But sadly it is true.
In trying to seek approval from people that won't accept me or my opinions, I wonder - have I missed out on a most important trait to model - self respect and hence, self love?
I let other people's (albeit perceived) negative voices seep inside me, to creep up so I get angry believing my children should or shouldn't do something. I am letting other people's self-limiting beliefs limit me.
I know I should not speak ill of others and if I have an issue with someone treating me wrong I should say no. But that part of me, is just going to have to wait. Because it takes time and energy to fight my inner negative voice, and I don't have it in me to take the pain out of every stressful thought when every negative encounter brings more.
In the instance that you encounter a negative critical person that you cannot be assertive with for whatever reason, the most loving thing to do is create a distance, politely.
Because if you let someone treat you badly, you're not respecting them either. Truly. l have absorbed other people's negativity and then I seethed and had bad thoughts about them. I've wronged us both because I've withheld an opportunity for mutual growth and respect.
So whether I smile and walk away, or stay and assert my true voice, it has to be done with love.
Monday, 25 July 2011
Nappies in a Pail
I'm a lover of nappies in a pail. Not so much the soiled stinky ones, but I do get real satisfaction from filling up the nappy pail with cloth nappies. After washing them, I enjoy pulling them out the machine and oh hanging them on the line. Yes that is satisfying especially if there's a breeze.
I use shaped nappies and wraps, prefolds, bamboo squares, Bumgenious, Nature babies, Diddy Diapers, Bambino Mio, One Life, fleece liners - I got a huge pile of seconds from a local supplier. And they're all great. I even use cloth wipes, and thinking about buying some for me apres wees to save loo roll.
Today as I was soaking them, I wondered how many do we use? In the first few months of having twins we used about 14 nappies a day between them, as they got older they use less but I'd say we use 6-8 a day now. So being a year old.. Let me estimate they have used 2,779 nappies. By the time they have decided to use no nappies, I estimate that we'll have used 7,159 nappies. Apparently most babies use 8,000-10,000 each in 3 years so I've grossly underestimated. I guess if we used only disposables, that'd fill a room or two? So I personally couldn't live with putting that much waste in landfill.
But it's so easy to do. So easy to throw those nappies in the bin and never think of them again, conveniently lost in the fortnightly collection.
I admit, at the moment I still use Eco disposables at night, if I can really call them that. Perhaps if I work out how many we will use in the next two years I'll make the change to total cloth nappies. Right 1,465 nappies. Okay... That's a lot. It's worth a try especially at 13p a nappy. So I'd save £189.80 by not using a disposable at night.
I think about buying any friend that's had a baby just one cloth nappy and a couple of cloth wipes - if that nappy is used just twice a week for two years - then that's saving 208 nappies going to landfill.
Come on! Let's make the change.
I use shaped nappies and wraps, prefolds, bamboo squares, Bumgenious, Nature babies, Diddy Diapers, Bambino Mio, One Life, fleece liners - I got a huge pile of seconds from a local supplier. And they're all great. I even use cloth wipes, and thinking about buying some for me apres wees to save loo roll.
Today as I was soaking them, I wondered how many do we use? In the first few months of having twins we used about 14 nappies a day between them, as they got older they use less but I'd say we use 6-8 a day now. So being a year old.. Let me estimate they have used 2,779 nappies. By the time they have decided to use no nappies, I estimate that we'll have used 7,159 nappies. Apparently most babies use 8,000-10,000 each in 3 years so I've grossly underestimated. I guess if we used only disposables, that'd fill a room or two? So I personally couldn't live with putting that much waste in landfill.
But it's so easy to do. So easy to throw those nappies in the bin and never think of them again, conveniently lost in the fortnightly collection.
I admit, at the moment I still use Eco disposables at night, if I can really call them that. Perhaps if I work out how many we will use in the next two years I'll make the change to total cloth nappies. Right 1,465 nappies. Okay... That's a lot. It's worth a try especially at 13p a nappy. So I'd save £189.80 by not using a disposable at night.
I think about buying any friend that's had a baby just one cloth nappy and a couple of cloth wipes - if that nappy is used just twice a week for two years - then that's saving 208 nappies going to landfill.
Come on! Let's make the change.
Saturday, 23 July 2011
The Chemical Maze
Food is glorious isn't it? It nourishes you, it comforts you, it sustains you, it can seduce you, it can also make you ill if you don't make the right food choices.
Many people buy a sandwich after scrutinizing its fat and calorific content. But is there something else more important we should be looking at? Have you ever wondered what all those numbers on the rear of the packet mean?
Could the chemical cocktail in your diet be making you ill?
Whilst food additives are mostly tested on animals, this doesn't mean that they are safe for us to eat.
There is a direct link between some additives and health problems such as allergies, behavioral problems, migranes, even sleep disturbance to name a few.
I am very interested in the additives in food. I used to walk around with a little red book titled Chemical Maze. It describes the potential health effects of food additives and ingredients used in food, cosmetics and personal care products.
Nothing is safe. My poor husband..
He wants a take away curry - no. It's got MSG in it, we'll be up all night! “Not if I team it up with a few beers love? Cold, chilled beers.....”
Beers... oh no no no I say.
“Did you know that chemicals are added to speed up the brewing process to make that big head of foam!”
Husband hopes... “Well surely in moderation it’s fine. Refreshing, delicious beer.”
“But, but it has Betaglucanase or Propylene glycol alginate in it?”
“Okay, diet coke. I really fancy a can of diet coke...” He asks hopefully.
I have to tell him, did you know it’s carcinogenic and causes osteoporosis? I have to remind him to be a good role model, and I have got stricter and stricter as time has gone on – what is there left to eat?
I really struggle with the fact my son doesn't eat all the fruit and vegetables we eat. I have encouraged him to eat more and more healthily by basically child proofing the home of any unhealthy food. I cringe whenever we go to a child’s party. He’s straight into the fluorescent, multi-coloured icing on the cake. In fact, he doesn’t eat the sponge part of the cake, just the icing. He therefore comes home and quite literally, bounces off the walls – that’s apparently, the tartrazine.
A variety of immunologic responses have been attributed to tartrazine ingestion, including:
- anxiety,
- migraines,
- clinical depression, and
- sleep disturbance
When I go shopping I try to buy organic fruit and vegetables, unprocessed local food.
Although it’s hard work to begin with, over time you do build up a picture of the things that you shouldn’t really ingest. You also find products which are much healthier for you.
So I’d suggest the next time you go shopping, that you look at those little numbers. Are those food additives really necessary....
Food for thought.
Source:
Friday, 22 July 2011
To Nurse or not to Nurse - There is no Question
Breastfeeding Twins
As my twins just passed their first birthday, I started contemplating whether I should introduce another source of milk, be it cow or goat. As yet I am undecided, and for me indecision leads to inaction.
Most people have long stopped asking me when I'm giving them a bottle. I guess they're as bored of my washy responses as I am of their asking.
I don't know quite what it is that I have against bottles, it just seems to unnatural, too detached... too easy perhaps? My husband says I always choose the hard way, I'd just rather follow my instincts and not follow the herd. Learning to stay true to myself has been empowering. But honestly I don't know why people find it so hard to breastfeed, even twins. I just get on and do it. And use the time to read books to my older child.
So what advice would I give to breastfeeders, especially of twins:
1. Drink lots and lots of water even if you don't feel thirsty
2. Eat lots of unprocessed food - fruit, vegetables, good quality protein
3. Do NOT under any circumstances let midwives "help" your babies latch on. It breaches mother-child trust. A midwife grabbed my newborn babies head and flipped her head onto my squeezed nipple, it was a violation and it took my baby ages to relax again
4. Keep in offering the nipple
5. Try lots of different positions until you find one that is comfortable and doesn't cause cracked nipples
6. Get a good quality feeding cushion and lots of pillows (I used a u-shape and positioned babies feeding facing eachother. At 12 months I don't use the pillow but they still are in the same position)
7. Gliding rocking chairs are great - I got one second hand and spent most of first months in it, I even fell asleep tandem feeding)
8. Buy a 1.5 litre aluminium bottle so you always replenish fluids
9. Exercise! You'll feel better and I think a little a day helps jeep your milk up
10. Rest when you're able - leave the housework
11. In the same breath, if you drop the expectation of sleeping undisturbed and welcome night wakings (kiss your babies, how lucky I am to see you at 11pm... 1pm... 2pm...) I've been through it! Most nights I was up hourly and now I'm up 4-5 times a night and it's mostly mind over matter
12. Don't buy bottles or formula - if they're not around you won't be tempted to give in, it pays off
Sometimes I really feel I've had enough, at other times the job of nursing my babies to this age and size is awesome. I sometimes get a huge rush of love hormones when I feed, and that is an amazing feeling.
That doesn't come in a bottle.
As my twins just passed their first birthday, I started contemplating whether I should introduce another source of milk, be it cow or goat. As yet I am undecided, and for me indecision leads to inaction.
Most people have long stopped asking me when I'm giving them a bottle. I guess they're as bored of my washy responses as I am of their asking.
I don't know quite what it is that I have against bottles, it just seems to unnatural, too detached... too easy perhaps? My husband says I always choose the hard way, I'd just rather follow my instincts and not follow the herd. Learning to stay true to myself has been empowering. But honestly I don't know why people find it so hard to breastfeed, even twins. I just get on and do it. And use the time to read books to my older child.
So what advice would I give to breastfeeders, especially of twins:
1. Drink lots and lots of water even if you don't feel thirsty
2. Eat lots of unprocessed food - fruit, vegetables, good quality protein
3. Do NOT under any circumstances let midwives "help" your babies latch on. It breaches mother-child trust. A midwife grabbed my newborn babies head and flipped her head onto my squeezed nipple, it was a violation and it took my baby ages to relax again
4. Keep in offering the nipple
5. Try lots of different positions until you find one that is comfortable and doesn't cause cracked nipples
6. Get a good quality feeding cushion and lots of pillows (I used a u-shape and positioned babies feeding facing eachother. At 12 months I don't use the pillow but they still are in the same position)
7. Gliding rocking chairs are great - I got one second hand and spent most of first months in it, I even fell asleep tandem feeding)
8. Buy a 1.5 litre aluminium bottle so you always replenish fluids
9. Exercise! You'll feel better and I think a little a day helps jeep your milk up
10. Rest when you're able - leave the housework
11. In the same breath, if you drop the expectation of sleeping undisturbed and welcome night wakings (kiss your babies, how lucky I am to see you at 11pm... 1pm... 2pm...) I've been through it! Most nights I was up hourly and now I'm up 4-5 times a night and it's mostly mind over matter
12. Don't buy bottles or formula - if they're not around you won't be tempted to give in, it pays off
Sometimes I really feel I've had enough, at other times the job of nursing my babies to this age and size is awesome. I sometimes get a huge rush of love hormones when I feed, and that is an amazing feeling.
That doesn't come in a bottle.
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