On reflection I wonder if my family's beliefs that academic intelligence and education are actually damaging. I've grown up feeling not good enough or feeling superior at times, both ugly experiences.
As I watched my son - his simplicity is so beautiful and I wonder why we spend life making everything so complicated? As if by building this bank of false beliefs about what we need and should or shouldn't do we're somehow successful or important? I've been running around thinking I have to do this, decide where we'll live, when we'll go, how we'll sell the house and what to do because we cannot afford it. I've created so much stress and pain and yet our situation remains the same.
I definitely need to watch my son and baby girls - let them guide me, teach me how to be in the here and now.
Favourite child magic moment of the week: we went for a walk and our son kept walking ahead, he'd scrutinise a stick, murmur to himself, drop it and find another. After a while he turned around and said "none of these have my name on? Where is my stick?". It took me a while to realise when we got there my husband had said "bet there is a big stick here with your name on it!"
Showing posts with label self help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self help. Show all posts
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
Monday, 22 August 2011
Respecting our Children
Today I went to a twin group, and at the end my son held onto a toy he hadn't finished playing with. Because they were packing away the two ladies prized it off him in a way that suggested "we're in charge." He got very upset and I took him off to cuddle him, getting looks along the way like "aren't you going to tell him off" as he screamed "leave me alone poo head". I understand their motivation and thoughts, people don't know there is another way to treat children. And to be honest I was struggling with my inner demons to not react to his anger.
Up until the last six or so months I didn't know I could be a different way with him because I strayed from the natural parenting path. But punishments aren't respectful. An adult wouldn't get treated like that? Imagine being at a restaurant savouring your desert, and a waiter takes it away because everyone else is finished and he doesn't want to wait? Wouldn't you be annoyed! Wouldn't you have a little tantrum (in our own adult way) and say "hey bring me back my desert!". Then imagine getting arrested for being upset? Can you imagine the frustration, the injustice?
But if children get upset, then society says we're meant to punish them and control them for fear they won't learn self control.
Children heal by expressing their emotions, however uncomfortable it feels for us as parents. I used to try and distract the boy in my life, because I found it too painful to see him crying or see his anger as I could not express my own as a child. Even as an adult I cannot cry. Now I see that children know exactly what they need to do to heal any pains. In your loving company they can cry, scream, frustrate and then it's all gone. They are happy again and it is all forgotten! What a gift they have, why did I try to take that away because of my own issues?
Children flourish with parents who have self control and can love unconditionally, that is my aim after all. For the children who share my life to grow up experiencing unconditional love.
Whilst I know this, I personally, have very little self control and find it very hard not to loose my cool. It's all I know. I never felt loved unconditionally (even though I was undoubtably loved by my parents) and I never had safety in my emotions. This must be true for most people who are parented in the traditional way - but for me it was magnified by my innate sensitivity.
I have to remind myself to empathise - how would I feel in this situation, how would I react, how would I like to be treated? I forgot more than I remembered at first and at one stage I seriously considered getting a reminder tattooed on my hand!
The more I practice the easier it gets, but I have longer to go on this journey. May be the growth I require will be life long, but I am committed.
This week's listen: This week I am listening to Naomi Aldort's Trusting Our Children, Trusting Ourselves 7 cd set. This is a immensely valuable resource for me. So far my husband has wriggled out of reading parenting books, and the podcasts CDs - but he heard a bit of this and asked me to put it on an MP3 player for him. Something clicked for him and I'm excited at how this could change our family life. I have been reading Naomi's books, articles and listening to her podcasts and CDs for some time and this CD collection really helped me with the issues I need to work on to be a better mother. Thank you!
Up until the last six or so months I didn't know I could be a different way with him because I strayed from the natural parenting path. But punishments aren't respectful. An adult wouldn't get treated like that? Imagine being at a restaurant savouring your desert, and a waiter takes it away because everyone else is finished and he doesn't want to wait? Wouldn't you be annoyed! Wouldn't you have a little tantrum (in our own adult way) and say "hey bring me back my desert!". Then imagine getting arrested for being upset? Can you imagine the frustration, the injustice?
But if children get upset, then society says we're meant to punish them and control them for fear they won't learn self control.
Children heal by expressing their emotions, however uncomfortable it feels for us as parents. I used to try and distract the boy in my life, because I found it too painful to see him crying or see his anger as I could not express my own as a child. Even as an adult I cannot cry. Now I see that children know exactly what they need to do to heal any pains. In your loving company they can cry, scream, frustrate and then it's all gone. They are happy again and it is all forgotten! What a gift they have, why did I try to take that away because of my own issues?
Children flourish with parents who have self control and can love unconditionally, that is my aim after all. For the children who share my life to grow up experiencing unconditional love.
Whilst I know this, I personally, have very little self control and find it very hard not to loose my cool. It's all I know. I never felt loved unconditionally (even though I was undoubtably loved by my parents) and I never had safety in my emotions. This must be true for most people who are parented in the traditional way - but for me it was magnified by my innate sensitivity.
I have to remind myself to empathise - how would I feel in this situation, how would I react, how would I like to be treated? I forgot more than I remembered at first and at one stage I seriously considered getting a reminder tattooed on my hand!
The more I practice the easier it gets, but I have longer to go on this journey. May be the growth I require will be life long, but I am committed.
This week's listen: This week I am listening to Naomi Aldort's Trusting Our Children, Trusting Ourselves 7 cd set. This is a immensely valuable resource for me. So far my husband has wriggled out of reading parenting books, and the podcasts CDs - but he heard a bit of this and asked me to put it on an MP3 player for him. Something clicked for him and I'm excited at how this could change our family life. I have been reading Naomi's books, articles and listening to her podcasts and CDs for some time and this CD collection really helped me with the issues I need to work on to be a better mother. Thank you!
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Seeing the World Through your Child's Eyes
I've been wishing and hoping a copy of Parenting for Social Change would turn up at my house somehow. I went onto Teresa's website yesterday, and read an article hoping it would fill my need but I got so excited it made me want it even more!
I read one of her articles about how to have more empathy with your child. And I had a surprise because for all these years I thought I had empathy but I didn't because I was acting. Or seeing it from my side. No wonder it stopped working.
So last night I walked into the babies' room and he'd mixed a load of dirty washing with the clean I'd put away and drawn on the carpet with a pencil from a case he'd found and then emptied onto the floor. I started to get really angry, I'm so tired I don't need this! I have enough to do. I started to clean up the pencil and it wasn't coming out. "Why did you do this?" I said angrily knowing I shouldn't but unable to stop myself - perhaps I should have done a count or left the room? But either way, the point about seeing it from the child's perspective came to me.
I started to think and talk:
"Why then. Let me think, so you saw the pencil case and you thought wow that's bright, what's in there? Then you opened it up and there were so many pens! You couldn't wait to see how they looked so you tipped them all out. Then you saw the pencil pen and you wondered - does it work? And it's so far and long away to get paper so you thought I'll write on the carpet. I'm so excited to see if it works I have to do it here..."
I looked at my son, his eyes were alight. "Tell me about when I made the nest with the sheets." he said "tell me about that."
So I did. And then I realised I might have tried to sympathise, but empathy not so much because you have to be there on the floor looking through their eyes.
Today's prayer: Dear Lord, thank you for giving me more clarity, for showing me more truth. I am strong enough now to know. I am ready to know you.
I read one of her articles about how to have more empathy with your child. And I had a surprise because for all these years I thought I had empathy but I didn't because I was acting. Or seeing it from my side. No wonder it stopped working.
So last night I walked into the babies' room and he'd mixed a load of dirty washing with the clean I'd put away and drawn on the carpet with a pencil from a case he'd found and then emptied onto the floor. I started to get really angry, I'm so tired I don't need this! I have enough to do. I started to clean up the pencil and it wasn't coming out. "Why did you do this?" I said angrily knowing I shouldn't but unable to stop myself - perhaps I should have done a count or left the room? But either way, the point about seeing it from the child's perspective came to me.
I started to think and talk:
"Why then. Let me think, so you saw the pencil case and you thought wow that's bright, what's in there? Then you opened it up and there were so many pens! You couldn't wait to see how they looked so you tipped them all out. Then you saw the pencil pen and you wondered - does it work? And it's so far and long away to get paper so you thought I'll write on the carpet. I'm so excited to see if it works I have to do it here..."
I looked at my son, his eyes were alight. "Tell me about when I made the nest with the sheets." he said "tell me about that."
So I did. And then I realised I might have tried to sympathise, but empathy not so much because you have to be there on the floor looking through their eyes.
Today's prayer: Dear Lord, thank you for giving me more clarity, for showing me more truth. I am strong enough now to know. I am ready to know you.
Friday, 29 July 2011
Naughty Words
Whenever I hear the word "should" I cringe. I hear myself thinking I should or shouldn't do that, my family should or shouldn't do that, people should or shouldn't do that, and it causes stress. Because should and shouldn't's are beliefs that limit you and make you narrow minded.
I have recently started to be more conscious, thinking is it true? Should Captain Underpants make his bed - I want the bed made, he doesn't. So by being angry or disappointed in him, by having this expectation of him he won't meet - I'm imposing my stressful limiting beliefs on him. And making myself stressed! If I didn't have the thought, I'd simply make the bed if I wanted it made.
If you actually questioned ANY and all your beliefs that cause stress, would even one be resolutely true?
I've been writing down all the thoughts that I got stressed about and not found one that was absolutely, resoundingly 100 percent true.
Here is one thought that stresses me to show you how to work on it:
People should stop criticising me.
1. Is it true?
Yes, they're so rude! They say things I wouldn't dare.
2. Is it absolutely true - that people shouldn't criticise me?
Okay, may be not. Because they do and that's their business. No matter how I feel about it they'll still do it because that's them. I guess I should just walk away.
3. How do you react when you have that thought?
Ashamed, humiliated, angry. Very angry! Incensed. I don't say anything and then seethe, and if I do defend myself I still seethe because they don't accept my point of view.
4. Who would you be without that thought?
I'd not be holding on to these emotions I cannot face. I'd not hide behind anger. I'd just walk away and think that us their business to criticise, it's not mine to listen or even defend because defence is the first act of war.
5. Turn the thought around (with 3 reasons why the statement is true or truer than the original):
People should criticise me
(Because it is our way to judge - the sky is blue, the grass is green - they're judgements. Because people have beliefs that they don't question and that is their business not mine to change. Because people are scared of what they don't know so they're voicing fears).
I should not criticise other people
(Because I judge others and criticise them in my head and out loud so it's hypocritical. Because it isn't Godly. Because I'd rather have positive loving thoughts).
I should not criticise me
(Because I am very hard on myself and don't celebrate my positive traits. Because I feel guilty about errors rather than seeing them as opportunities to learn. Because it isn't useful - blameless acceptance of my issues will create learning opportunities).
This doesn't mean I accept people's mistreatment of me when I "work" on it. It just means I get less stressed and deal with it. If someone hurts me, I ask them to stop, they don't, I distance myself. As an example I was getting really annoyed at the park because I don't want people smoking near my children - so I can politely ask them to move away and move away myself.
Source: Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions that will change your life.
I have recently started to be more conscious, thinking is it true? Should Captain Underpants make his bed - I want the bed made, he doesn't. So by being angry or disappointed in him, by having this expectation of him he won't meet - I'm imposing my stressful limiting beliefs on him. And making myself stressed! If I didn't have the thought, I'd simply make the bed if I wanted it made.
If you actually questioned ANY and all your beliefs that cause stress, would even one be resolutely true?
I've been writing down all the thoughts that I got stressed about and not found one that was absolutely, resoundingly 100 percent true.
Here is one thought that stresses me to show you how to work on it:
People should stop criticising me.
1. Is it true?
Yes, they're so rude! They say things I wouldn't dare.
2. Is it absolutely true - that people shouldn't criticise me?
Okay, may be not. Because they do and that's their business. No matter how I feel about it they'll still do it because that's them. I guess I should just walk away.
3. How do you react when you have that thought?
Ashamed, humiliated, angry. Very angry! Incensed. I don't say anything and then seethe, and if I do defend myself I still seethe because they don't accept my point of view.
4. Who would you be without that thought?
I'd not be holding on to these emotions I cannot face. I'd not hide behind anger. I'd just walk away and think that us their business to criticise, it's not mine to listen or even defend because defence is the first act of war.
5. Turn the thought around (with 3 reasons why the statement is true or truer than the original):
People should criticise me
(Because it is our way to judge - the sky is blue, the grass is green - they're judgements. Because people have beliefs that they don't question and that is their business not mine to change. Because people are scared of what they don't know so they're voicing fears).
I should not criticise other people
(Because I judge others and criticise them in my head and out loud so it's hypocritical. Because it isn't Godly. Because I'd rather have positive loving thoughts).
I should not criticise me
(Because I am very hard on myself and don't celebrate my positive traits. Because I feel guilty about errors rather than seeing them as opportunities to learn. Because it isn't useful - blameless acceptance of my issues will create learning opportunities).
This doesn't mean I accept people's mistreatment of me when I "work" on it. It just means I get less stressed and deal with it. If someone hurts me, I ask them to stop, they don't, I distance myself. As an example I was getting really annoyed at the park because I don't want people smoking near my children - so I can politely ask them to move away and move away myself.
Source: Byron Katie, Loving What Is: Four Questions that will change your life.
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