Slinging It - Continuing the Continuum

I am so excited as I am finally getting round to ordering a Mei tei - our first Mei Tei from new!

It is custom hand-made, and we cannot wait to recieve them and go for some lovely long walks over the Christmas period. 

Here is the make of Mei Tei we are getting:
http://melkaj.blogspot.com/


Our Baby Wearing Story Societal change requires a change in the way we view children and how we parent - and for me it started with realising that my instincts to respond to and nurture the children who share my life were always right.

Before the boy who shares my life was born I had a vision of orderly control. I painted a nursery and filled it with things. In the instant that he was born, time stopped just for a moment and then everything changed. When he came home with me and he didn’t go in the cot for long, soon we were co sleeping. I had a pram but I found he preferred to be mostly in arms. 

Then when I discovered that we were expecting twins, I wanted to have the same bond I had shared with my son with them.  So after some research on the long-term benefits of respectful attachment parenting I discovered "proper" slings. 

At first I was scared to put the twins in slings as it seemed too complicated, but it soon became second nature. We started off with a piece of jersey to wrap, then used thicker fabric to wrap but discovered that woven is better (Storch, girasol, Didymos). I have also test driven my friends Ergo and that is a fantastic buckle carrier, really comfortable but only goes up to around 18 months as far as I know.  Kinderpacks are also highly rated in the sling wearing community. I love mei teis but also love the double hammock wrap carry when I can do it right!

Making Paint

I have been slowly working through the house and trying to make everything non-toxic. Then I was loooking at the remnants of the "washable" paints we have and I thought how wasteful they are due to the plastic bottles, and then I wondered what is inside the bottle?

As luck would find me at the moment - I found a lovely home made paint recipe from the Greenparent magazine and we tried it. Success! The paint is a lovely consistency and the colours bright - the only set back is that you have to mix the colours before reusing.

Ingredients:
1 tablespoon of cold water
1 tablespoon of cornflour
1 cup of hot water
Food colouring

Mix the cornflour with the cold water to make a paste. Add the hot water a bit at a time - then add some colours of choice. Put in a jam jar and use!

All by myself...

I suggested to my husband that doing a foundation course in non-violent communication would be very worthwhile for our marriage and family life, even his career. I let the seed sink in, it grew, and then he went off for the weekend.

I'm happy for him but am spending the weekend with my children but without him. Saturday has been fine so far but as night creeps in, I'm less amused. Why is it I feel perfectly confident in the day but now it is dark, even though I am surrounded by little bodies, I feel a little nervous. Feminist as I try to be I want a man in the house - not just any man, the man who shares my life.

But it is for a good cause I remind myself. You see Captain Underpants lacks empathy and finds it very hard to communicate without being.. hard. He says

what am I? Tin man?

I read recently that authoritarian parenting with all the forced "thank yous" and "say please" actually stops you feeling pleasure and gratitude because instead you feel manipulated and humiliated. As an example I didn't ask the lovely boy to say his Ps and Qs - so when he says thank you it is true gratitude. He can learn about English manners soon enough.

But I digress - what is non-violent communication? It is basically a way of communicating with compassion, removing all the beliefs and judgements and evaluations - a way to truely listen. Guess I'll be trying it all week and giving a report next weekend. I heard it has changed the dynamic of some families, I shall wait with hope!

Parenting Handout Required? Part Two

Yesterday I posted part one of my ridiculous parenting manual. Here is part two:

3. You have no boundaries. You should parent like me.
I think you are confused. One could group parenting in four styles:
a)Authoritarian (conditional)
b) Indulgant/ permissive
c) Authoritative
d) Uninvolved

Permissive parenting is not the same as authoritative / unconditional parenting.  In permissive parenting styles there is no boundaries, children are left to do as they wish. In respectful parenting, the child-parent bond is paramount. Children are not overly controlled, if there is an issue it is resolved through respectful discussion. The source of the issue is tackled in a compassionate way, rather than the resulting behaviour punished.

I consider the style we are aiming for to be peaceful / respectful. We have boundaries - these are set through modelling and the child's intrinsic need to be with his tribe, rather than fear.


4. Why don't you use praise, rewards or punishment like me. I know what I'm talking about, I am a good parent, people tell me so. And a teacher so do explain doormat?
Yes Miss. Please read the link. Praise and rewards are the different sides of the same coin. Over 70 studies have shown that extrinsic motivators are not merely ineffective long term, but can be counter productive. They damage self esteem and the child's authenticity because the child becomes addicted to pleasing others.

http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/pbracwak.htm

5. Authoritarian parenting is the only way to parent, I should know. Why are you not doing as I say?
I do not agree. I believe that authoritarian parenting that uses shame, punishment, and manipulation is damaging long-term, despite it being so effective short-term.
 I believe parenting peacefully or with respect(unconditional parenting) is better:

Note respectful parenting is NOT permissive parenting ( where there are no boundaries). Instead children are parented to feel loved without conditions. Boundaries are modelled or enforced with respect. Milestones and development are generally child led because the parent respects and trusts the child.

Parenting Handout Required? Part One

I keep getting asked the same questions by the same relatives, especially one, so that I can be talked over, ignored and then she has an opener for a two hour session of her saying what I do wrong by using respectful /unconditional parenting practice. I started writing a pamphlet to hand her, until posting it on Greenparent realised after someone pointed it out that if I defended myself I was giving her the upper hand and making her think I had something to defend! It also came tomy attention that while she spends so much time stating that my son has no boundaries, she is the one without boundaries, and certainly without respect. Ouch.

But I shall share some of my answers - see if they are useful or you can add to them!

1. You're obviously not doing a good job parenting, look how unhappy your son is, he needs boundaries. I know much better than you, explain why you won't listen?The reason why my son has been unhappy the last 6-14 months are reflective of a huge change in our lives ( arrival of two babies) the fact we are generally unsupported, isolated and alone. He is mirroring my behaviour.

Any mother who has no emotional support would really struggle. Typically mothers left to be unsupported are much more likely to abuse their children and commit infanticide.

Since having J I have received little acceptance or support. While you may consider that untrue, from my perspective, acceptance means leaving someone to be as they are without withdrawing approval, attention and without criticism.

I am presently at the stage of considering moving to an area where I can find emotional support, alloparents and more likeminded networks. I feel that I don't really know myself, having always been so sensitive to pleasing others, I often just feel torn, "wrong" and I guess I am just components of what everyone I have ever met who told me I should or shouldn't be or do.

2. Why don't you punish him (i.e. dominating and controlling children) he is crying and at his age he shouldn't / he wet the bed/ helped himself to something out the fridge/ doesn't want to wear the shirt I just bought him ? :
Here is an article about the cost of shame: (basis of your parenting style)
http://our-emotional-health.com/articles/shame.pdf

We live in a control dominated society. Most parents styles use control to make children behave in a manner that fits with the adults belief system. Children are manipulated with shame (i.e you're too big to do that), praise, rewards and punishments. Praise and punishments are different sides of the same coin.

Most parents believe the assumption. . that children need to be controlled, shaped, taught. They believe that nature is wrong.

Throughout history minority groups in the USA and empire (disabled, Asian, Irish, gay, lesbian, women, etc) have been considered uncivilised and unable to make their own decisions and have been controlled. I believe this historic injustice is still alive today in the ill treatment of children.

Babies are born able to crawl to their mother's breast, they know how to breathe, they know to communicate their needs. They know when they are hungry, when they need to be held, they know how to heal themselves with crying, they know when they want to start eating and how to learn to crawl and walk. But adults interfere because they were controlled as children, that is all they know, they believe it is the only way). They were never trusted so they are scared to trust their own instincts, and the children who share their lives.

Babies are forced onto schedules and well-meaning midwives tell us they "should" go through the night at this age, they shouldn't cry to be held, at night they "shouldn't" need mummy so they "should" be left to cry, they "should" sleep away from their mother, and they "shouldn't" trust their own body to know what and when they want to eat solids so adults innocently give them unidentifiable mash and coerce and bribe them to eat.

And this control gets worse as the baby turns into a toddler, worse as the toddler turns into a child. There are no tantrums in a loving respectful mother-child relationship. There might be frustrations and expressions that a mother is in tune with, but the child is always right.

 

 

 

A Day in the Sun

I always find that it doesn't matter how bad I am feeling, how tired I am, how caught up I am in my negative thinking, as soon as I go outside and potter around the garden,  or go for a walk on a sunny day, I just feel great.

Today we had a long day out, we drove to our nearest town, parked and began strolling through the park down to the town centre.  We went to the health food shop and bought some freshly cooked spanacotas (I cannot spell it - spinach in filo!)  and lentil flan, and with babies in slings still walked to the Buddist cafe. I am so astonished at far one of my babies walked today, she was unstoppable!

I have been reading Deborah Jackson's book "Letting go as children grow" and while I am not even halfway through, it has really illustrated that as far as I have come, I am still trying to control my children. She explains that children, when left to explore naturally, do so safely. (Of course not in front of cars or with chemicals! But within nature they explore and understand their limits). So I have had tolet go because constantly trying to limit one's child can decrease their confidence and   actually hamper their development, making situations less safe for them. She also claims that you can make exploration more dangerous for your child by introducing fear and expectations that can then occur because of the seed of doubt - i.e. if a child is happily balancing on a wall and you say "arghhhhhhh! Look at you, you'll fall!" then knowing that, they'll be thinking about falling and thence fall, when not knowing that they may not have.  Roll on today when my baby is climbing everywhere  and I am having to not look at having to let go. She is climbing onto our dining chairs, then onto the dining table and crawling around eating fruit and then clmbimg back onto the chair and onto the floor. I watched as she once, twice tried to climb down from the table top where there was no chair.. she quickly pulled her legs back up and located the chair andsafely got herself down... on our walktoday Ihad to trust she knew how far she could walk and tried torespect her will and it was enjoyablebut notsomething I can do without support. Two babies need two adult hands!

Okay the kangaroo has nothing to do with a walk in England, I took it in Australia but this kangaroo illustrates the heat of the day and my sense of being in the moment!

Head shake moment of the day: Watching my husband watch the "four candles" sketch on uTube... again.

Making things Simple

On reflection I wonder if my family's beliefs that academic intelligence and education are actually damaging. I've grown up feeling not good enough or feeling superior at times, both ugly experiences.

As I watched my son - his simplicity is so beautiful and I wonder why we spend life making everything so complicated? As if by building this bank of false beliefs about what we need and should or shouldn't do we're somehow successful or important? I've been running around thinking I have to do this, decide where we'll live, when we'll go, how we'll sell the house and what to do because we cannot afford it. I've created so much stress and pain and yet our situation remains the same.

I definitely need to watch my son and baby girls - let them guide me, teach me how to be in the here and now.

Favourite child magic moment of the week: we went for a walk and our son kept walking ahead, he'd scrutinise a stick, murmur to himself, drop it and find another. After a while he turned around and said "none of these have my name on? Where is my stick?". It took me a while to realise when we got there my husband had said "bet there is a big stick here with your name on it!"

A Quest for Sleep

Three nights ago one of my babies slept through the whole night. I've never been one to focus on how long a child sleeps, (not since the two week period my friend pushed Tracy Hogg in me). I have the expectation that my babies will wake in the night.

But I have limits. Each of my twins wakes 2 to 5 times a night.  So I am usually awake 6-8 times a night, and I get insomnia too, so it is really affecting my mood and health.

So far I have tried feeding them up before sleep, I have encouraged them to sleep without nursing, I have taken them to see a chiropractor, I've moved our mattresses onto the floor as one big co-sleeper, the girls are in sleeping bags next to me, I'm offering water in a beaker,  I have given them a bit of time to do supported crying (when every need is met and we cuddle and I soothe them.
(See Althea Solter book for more details). http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0961307374/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/278-2904874-2388251

Nothing seems to be working. I believe one baby is teething and the other has gas but still, give me a break girls!

It will get better, I know this to be true. I know I'm doing the right thing by not crying-it-out with my children. Incidentally, what is "it"? Ever wondered? Crying-out-their-dependency on you? Crying-out-their-felt-needs? 

I guess I will never need to know. 06:32 and I'm winning the battle with the babies in our rocker, if only I could sleep in here...

Fitting In

My son has not been invited to another party. Part of me expected it, I don't fit in so my children are rejected too. I wonder, if I had lived in Salem at the times of the witch trials whether I'd have been dunked?

From a child I've always been unsure of myself, untrusting of others - so I guess that puts a lot of people off. I get that.

Where I live, I have returned to be here three times under pressure of my family. But it just hasn't worked.

The best times of my life were at uni and in the year following when I was gaining acceptance for being me. Now I feel like the odd one out. I'm a real girly girl who is also an intellectual, athletic (okay not so much now...) hippy. It's a weird and suspect mix and I know I can intimidate. 

I cannot and should not keep having to explain my choices - why I breastfeed, co-sleep, eat healthily, exercise, aim for attachment / natural parenting, don't watch TV, don't leave my babies to cry-it-out, baby lead weaned, cloth nappy, don't drink really and don't go out, why we try to follow Jesus and go to church, why we try to live Eco-friendly and want to live sustainably. I could go on!

I watched my son today, how easily he makes friends, how full of joy he was; I wish he will stay like that.

Today we made the decision to move overseas again. We have been considering it in the two years since we've been back.  Our aim is to live in an Eco-village, with organic crops, permaculture, and community. It feels right. I believe that if we embrace us we'll be happier, I don't want to keep going against the crowd and alienating our family.

An exciting prospect!