Talking to the Little You

The boy who shares my life was going to school one day, and as we were leaving he told me that a little boy who I shall name Timothy was being put in a naughty chair “all of the time”.  When I asked what naughty meant he said it meant he was not being nice, when I asked how he said he wasn’t sitting as the teacher wanted him to, and pushed, hit and hurt other children. I just felt very sad for Timothy because for a boy of his age 5-6 years to be wanting to hurt other children he must be feeling hurt himself, frustrated, misunderstood even. And to be punished for that just doesn’t seem fair. 

I understand that it is not appropriate to hurt other people but I thought it could be handled differently, and singling him out and sitting him in a naughty chair must just compound his ill feelings towards himself and others.

I thought about if I met Timothy, what I could say to him to make him feel better – all I could think is that he would want to feel understood.  I thought about what I would say to him, and then I realised it was what I would have wanted someone to say to me.

I can remember being may be 7 years old and playing hopscotch. This friend of mine was playing really excitedly and freely and I got really irritated and angry, may be because I couldn’t play like that, and when she went to jump over me I purposefully tripped her up. I can remember how it felt, how satisfying it felt, how it healed some hurt or at least reduced it for a while. But I can also remember the shame I felt about feeling like that.

 I would say something like: ”When I was at school I used to hurt other children and I didn’t want to do what the teachers wanted, do you know how that feels? I am so happy you understand, I always felt like no-one understood. And I hurt inside and that made me want to hurt other people. Do you know how that feels. That makes me feel better knowing someone else gets it. And you know, when the teachers or my mummy or daddy told me off, it just made me feel worse. It made me feel wrong but what I was feeling was right and perfectly normal. Do you know how that feels?” 

And then I thought about the boy who shares my life and how I loose perspective and empathy with him. May be if I saw myself as him more it would allow me to respond to him more compassionately?

Parenting Handout Required? Part One

I keep getting asked the same questions by the same relatives, especially one, so that I can be talked over, ignored and then she has an opener for a two hour session of her saying what I do wrong by using respectful /unconditional parenting practice. I started writing a pamphlet to hand her, until posting it on Greenparent realised after someone pointed it out that if I defended myself I was giving her the upper hand and making her think I had something to defend! It also came tomy attention that while she spends so much time stating that my son has no boundaries, she is the one without boundaries, and certainly without respect. Ouch.

But I shall share some of my answers - see if they are useful or you can add to them!

1. You're obviously not doing a good job parenting, look how unhappy your son is, he needs boundaries. I know much better than you, explain why you won't listen?The reason why my son has been unhappy the last 6-14 months are reflective of a huge change in our lives ( arrival of two babies) the fact we are generally unsupported, isolated and alone. He is mirroring my behaviour.

Any mother who has no emotional support would really struggle. Typically mothers left to be unsupported are much more likely to abuse their children and commit infanticide.

Since having J I have received little acceptance or support. While you may consider that untrue, from my perspective, acceptance means leaving someone to be as they are without withdrawing approval, attention and without criticism.

I am presently at the stage of considering moving to an area where I can find emotional support, alloparents and more likeminded networks. I feel that I don't really know myself, having always been so sensitive to pleasing others, I often just feel torn, "wrong" and I guess I am just components of what everyone I have ever met who told me I should or shouldn't be or do.

2. Why don't you punish him (i.e. dominating and controlling children) he is crying and at his age he shouldn't / he wet the bed/ helped himself to something out the fridge/ doesn't want to wear the shirt I just bought him ? :
Here is an article about the cost of shame: (basis of your parenting style)
http://our-emotional-health.com/articles/shame.pdf

We live in a control dominated society. Most parents styles use control to make children behave in a manner that fits with the adults belief system. Children are manipulated with shame (i.e you're too big to do that), praise, rewards and punishments. Praise and punishments are different sides of the same coin.

Most parents believe the assumption. . that children need to be controlled, shaped, taught. They believe that nature is wrong.

Throughout history minority groups in the USA and empire (disabled, Asian, Irish, gay, lesbian, women, etc) have been considered uncivilised and unable to make their own decisions and have been controlled. I believe this historic injustice is still alive today in the ill treatment of children.

Babies are born able to crawl to their mother's breast, they know how to breathe, they know to communicate their needs. They know when they are hungry, when they need to be held, they know how to heal themselves with crying, they know when they want to start eating and how to learn to crawl and walk. But adults interfere because they were controlled as children, that is all they know, they believe it is the only way). They were never trusted so they are scared to trust their own instincts, and the children who share their lives.

Babies are forced onto schedules and well-meaning midwives tell us they "should" go through the night at this age, they shouldn't cry to be held, at night they "shouldn't" need mummy so they "should" be left to cry, they "should" sleep away from their mother, and they "shouldn't" trust their own body to know what and when they want to eat solids so adults innocently give them unidentifiable mash and coerce and bribe them to eat.

And this control gets worse as the baby turns into a toddler, worse as the toddler turns into a child. There are no tantrums in a loving respectful mother-child relationship. There might be frustrations and expressions that a mother is in tune with, but the child is always right.

 

 

 

School Days

My son has just started school. There was much trepidation in him starting, due to the fact that his school ( like most)  is very much built on the philosophy that children need to be taught and controlled.

From the way society is going, it is clear that conditional love and fear based parenting practice isn't working. I want my children to enjoy learning. Schools can extinguish the joy a child naturally feels when learning, they either do "work" because they are addicting to pleasing their teachers and parents, because they're competing with peers, because they're going after rewards, or because they are scared of failure (and we know greatness comes from learning from mistakes right) - so traditional school doesn't follow my wishes for my children or any child for that matter.

Praise/rewards and punishment are different sides of the same coin.  Over 70 studies have shown that extrinsic motivators are not merely ineffective long term, but can be counter productive. They damage self esteem and the child's authenticity because the child becomes addicted to pleasing others.

On Friday I get a letter from his school saying he has been selected to join a special communication group where he'll learn to make eye contact, to not talk unless his turn, to make and keep friends, to have empathy etc. I do not believe that children learn these things by being taught. I don't tell my son to say thank you, I model it - and no he doesn't say thank you all the time, but when he does it is true genuine gratitude. If as soon as I gave him something, I said "say thank you" I'd take away my joy in giving and worse, I would have robbed my son of the opportunity to contemplate and feel gracious.

Children don't learn empathy from being told about it - they learn from seeing it, experiencing unconditional love.

You might ask why he has been selected - well I never said I was perfect, and these are my ideals that I need support to carry out. This is my aim and I'm getting closer.

Interesting reads:

Alfie Kohn
http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/pbracwak.HTML

Naomi Aldort 
http://www.naomialdort.com/articles3.html

Teresa Graham Brett
http://www.parentingforsocialchange.com/

Robin Grille
http://www.naturalchild.org/ppw/

Please note: My blog is now open for comments

A Quest for Sleep

Three nights ago one of my babies slept through the whole night. I've never been one to focus on how long a child sleeps, (not since the two week period my friend pushed Tracy Hogg in me). I have the expectation that my babies will wake in the night.

But I have limits. Each of my twins wakes 2 to 5 times a night.  So I am usually awake 6-8 times a night, and I get insomnia too, so it is really affecting my mood and health.

So far I have tried feeding them up before sleep, I have encouraged them to sleep without nursing, I have taken them to see a chiropractor, I've moved our mattresses onto the floor as one big co-sleeper, the girls are in sleeping bags next to me, I'm offering water in a beaker,  I have given them a bit of time to do supported crying (when every need is met and we cuddle and I soothe them.
(See Althea Solter book for more details). http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0961307374/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/278-2904874-2388251

Nothing seems to be working. I believe one baby is teething and the other has gas but still, give me a break girls!

It will get better, I know this to be true. I know I'm doing the right thing by not crying-it-out with my children. Incidentally, what is "it"? Ever wondered? Crying-out-their-dependency on you? Crying-out-their-felt-needs? 

I guess I will never need to know. 06:32 and I'm winning the battle with the babies in our rocker, if only I could sleep in here...

Fitting In

My son has not been invited to another party. Part of me expected it, I don't fit in so my children are rejected too. I wonder, if I had lived in Salem at the times of the witch trials whether I'd have been dunked?

From a child I've always been unsure of myself, untrusting of others - so I guess that puts a lot of people off. I get that.

Where I live, I have returned to be here three times under pressure of my family. But it just hasn't worked.

The best times of my life were at uni and in the year following when I was gaining acceptance for being me. Now I feel like the odd one out. I'm a real girly girl who is also an intellectual, athletic (okay not so much now...) hippy. It's a weird and suspect mix and I know I can intimidate. 

I cannot and should not keep having to explain my choices - why I breastfeed, co-sleep, eat healthily, exercise, aim for attachment / natural parenting, don't watch TV, don't leave my babies to cry-it-out, baby lead weaned, cloth nappy, don't drink really and don't go out, why we try to follow Jesus and go to church, why we try to live Eco-friendly and want to live sustainably. I could go on!

I watched my son today, how easily he makes friends, how full of joy he was; I wish he will stay like that.

Today we made the decision to move overseas again. We have been considering it in the two years since we've been back.  Our aim is to live in an Eco-village, with organic crops, permaculture, and community. It feels right. I believe that if we embrace us we'll be happier, I don't want to keep going against the crowd and alienating our family.

An exciting prospect!

Respecting our Children

Today I went to a twin group, and at the end my son held onto a toy he hadn't finished playing with. Because they were packing away the two ladies prized it off him in a way that suggested "we're in charge." He got very upset and I took him off to cuddle him, getting looks along the way like "aren't you going to tell him off" as he screamed "leave me alone poo head". I understand their motivation and thoughts, people don't know there is another way to treat children. And to be honest I was struggling with my inner demons to not react to his anger.
Up until the last six or so months I didn't know I could be a different way with him because I strayed from the natural parenting path. But punishments aren't respectful. An adult wouldn't get treated like that? Imagine being at a restaurant savouring your desert, and a waiter takes it away because everyone else is finished and he doesn't want to wait? Wouldn't you be annoyed! Wouldn't you have a little tantrum (in our own adult way) and say "hey bring me back my desert!". Then imagine getting arrested for being upset? Can you imagine the frustration, the injustice?

But if children get upset, then society says we're meant to punish them and control them for fear they won't learn self control. 

Children heal by expressing their emotions, however uncomfortable it feels for us as parents. I used to try and distract the boy in my life, because I found it too painful to see him crying or see his anger as I could not express my own as a child. Even as an adult I cannot cry. Now I see that children know exactly what they need to do to heal any pains. In your loving company they can cry, scream, frustrate and then it's all gone. They are happy again and it is all forgotten! What a gift they have, why did I try to take that away because of my own issues?

Children flourish with parents who have self control and can love unconditionally, that is my aim after all. For the children who share my life to grow up experiencing unconditional love. 

Whilst I know this, I personally, have very little self control and find it very hard not to loose my cool. It's all I know. I never felt loved unconditionally (even though I was undoubtably loved by my parents) and I never had  safety in my emotions. This must be true for most people who are parented in the traditional way - but for me it was magnified by my innate sensitivity.

I have to remind myself to empathise - how would I feel in this situation, how would I react, how would I like to be treated? I forgot more than I remembered at first and at one stage I seriously considered getting a reminder tattooed on my hand!

The more I practice the easier it gets, but I have longer to go on this journey. May be the growth I require will be life long, but I am committed.


This week's listen:  This week I am listening to Naomi Aldort's Trusting Our Children, Trusting Ourselves 7 cd set. This is a immensely valuable resource for me. So far my husband has wriggled out of reading parenting books, and the podcasts CDs - but he heard a bit of this and asked me to put it on an MP3 player for him. Something clicked for him and I'm excited at how this could change our family life. I have been reading Naomi's books, articles and listening to her podcasts and CDs for some time and this CD collection really helped me with the issues I need to work on to be a better mother. Thank you!