Talking to the Little You

The boy who shares my life was going to school one day, and as we were leaving he told me that a little boy who I shall name Timothy was being put in a naughty chair “all of the time”.  When I asked what naughty meant he said it meant he was not being nice, when I asked how he said he wasn’t sitting as the teacher wanted him to, and pushed, hit and hurt other children. I just felt very sad for Timothy because for a boy of his age 5-6 years to be wanting to hurt other children he must be feeling hurt himself, frustrated, misunderstood even. And to be punished for that just doesn’t seem fair. 

I understand that it is not appropriate to hurt other people but I thought it could be handled differently, and singling him out and sitting him in a naughty chair must just compound his ill feelings towards himself and others.

I thought about if I met Timothy, what I could say to him to make him feel better – all I could think is that he would want to feel understood.  I thought about what I would say to him, and then I realised it was what I would have wanted someone to say to me.

I can remember being may be 7 years old and playing hopscotch. This friend of mine was playing really excitedly and freely and I got really irritated and angry, may be because I couldn’t play like that, and when she went to jump over me I purposefully tripped her up. I can remember how it felt, how satisfying it felt, how it healed some hurt or at least reduced it for a while. But I can also remember the shame I felt about feeling like that.

 I would say something like: ”When I was at school I used to hurt other children and I didn’t want to do what the teachers wanted, do you know how that feels? I am so happy you understand, I always felt like no-one understood. And I hurt inside and that made me want to hurt other people. Do you know how that feels. That makes me feel better knowing someone else gets it. And you know, when the teachers or my mummy or daddy told me off, it just made me feel worse. It made me feel wrong but what I was feeling was right and perfectly normal. Do you know how that feels?” 

And then I thought about the boy who shares my life and how I loose perspective and empathy with him. May be if I saw myself as him more it would allow me to respond to him more compassionately?

Boundaries Part One

I cannot be sure, but from most of the authoritarian parents I encounter, they believe me to be permissive/indulgent, even somewhat neglectful due to my different opinion about boundaries.

 There are (if you did wish to categorise) four styles of parenting – authoritarian (traditional coercive, socialising style), neglectful, indulgent/permissive and authoritative (helping, respectful style). I consider myself to follow the latter.

The difference being I can gather, is regarding trust, interference and whether you guide them respectfully with love, or not at all. I am consciously trying not to use control measures to train my children like manipulative use of praise, punishment, rewards, or evaluation so may be that is seen as neglectful. I tend to watch and be a guide when required. For instance if my son brings me a picture, I don’t praise or evaluate like “oh wow good boy, aren’t you a good drawer!” I just validate his own expression of achievement so he relies on his own standards and feedback.  For instance I would mirror his emotions and say “I see it, I see your picture. You have used lots of colours. When did you learn to draw like this? You figured it out by yourself!” But anyway, back to boundaries!

I feel extremely frustrated about the accusation that I have no boundaries. I know my failings because I have analysed myself to death.  They are that I can be inconsistent, too emotional, I let myself be bullied and I can be very indecisive and that means that I am not strong in myself – a big fail. But I am working on all those areas.

But will I create more boundaries for the sake of fitting in? No, I cannot do that because my lack of control in is purposeful. I shall explain after exploring some boundaries I have in place. Safety is where I draw the line – I child proof rather than say no all the time, because then no really does mean no. I remember being in a supermarket and seeing a boy walking around with his dad who was saying “no don’t walk like that , Oliveeeer don’t touch that, Oliiveeeeeeeeer NO NO NO don’t walk there, no don’t walk so fast, no Oliveeer can you not see you are in his way….”. Any one could see that Oliver was blocking out his dad’s incessant whining and any “no” coming from his lips wasn’t taken seriously because his dad’s over control created a world, where Oliver didn’t know what he should be doing at all.

So some examples of my boundaries: I have created a child free kitchen when I am cooking by child proofing it and placing a baby gate across the archway, playing with chemicals and wash powder is a definite no, eating soil is a no, eating anything poisonous or breakable is a no, no walking on a road, not playing with glass, no hot water, basically anything dangerous and without an opportunity to learn .

And here is where I may shock you. Because here are some boundaries that I probably should impose for social reasons but do not, and I will explain why. My children as babies have or will be introduced to climbing, scissors, knives, graters and peelers, and stairs. At around two years old (and definitely by age 3), my son was able to use a knife to chop vegetables, he could grate himself cheese, and peel vegetables. When I see the children who share my life trying to use tools, I guide them. If I am using a pair of scissors and a little pair of hands tries to grab them, I validate “yes, I see you want to use the scissors, let us explore together – you see these blades are sharp, I never touch them ouch ouch,  this is what they are for – we cut things” and I guide their hands to hold the scissors and we cut together. Some might say I am encouraging them, I would argue that they are in less danger of accidents because they know how to use the tool properly and do not have the same unnatural curiosity about these objects that other children do.  My opinions about stairs and climbing have changed since the boy who shares my life has grown. When he was a baby, I was a lot more fearful and did not trust that he knew what his body could do, I can see now that my fears have become his fears. I taught him not to trust his body and he now has a lack of coordination and lack of trust in his physical ability that brings on raging feelings of guilt in me.

Every time he went to climb or he lightly fell, I would rush over grimaced face giving him the impression he could not trust himself to know when he was upset or what his abilities were. Since then I have learnt that children know what their bodies can do WHEN left alone to learn without interference.  As an example, if you look at babies from tribes who live in high up tree houses, they do not fall. If you look at tribes which have deep holes dug out in the ground, the babies crawl to the edge, look down, then crawl away and never go close enough to fall in. It is not because they have the fear of God in them but because they have been left to explore and discover for themselves. As I am sure you have experienced, being told not to do something doesn’t make you not want to do it, it just makes you even more curious.  For most children taught not to do things out of fear, they’ll just wait to do it when the source of fear is not around!

Can you imagine the trust involved from the mother? Seeing your baby crawl across, and look down a huge drop? Can you imagine. Can you then imagine knowing your baby needs to learn themselves and letting go? Well I tried an experiment at home. One of the babies that shares my life was constantly trying to climb on the table, and I started off by pulling her off constantly. Then I remembered to trust her so she could trust herself. I saw her going to climb and I smiled benignly and went about my business. Next thing I see she is sat on top of the dining table helping herself to a piece of fruit.    I then watch as she tries to back off the table, she lays on her tummy and pushed backwards – she missed the chair and dangled her legs down. At this point I got very nervous and wanted to “save her”. I walked closer but did not touch her. I watched as she pulled herself back onto the table, she then shifted over and repeated the movement until she made contact with the chair. She then sat in the chair, very content. She repeated this three times and then went off to play on the ground. She learnt how to climb on and off a table, without accidents, without intervention because she had confidence and trust in herself. She has since learnt to climb the stairs and comeback down, as has her sister (both 15 months). I cannot lie and say I trust them enough to do this without me around, but as they gain confidence so do I. Now I can sit at the bottom of the stairs waiting for them to come down, seeing how happy they are with their own ability.

The difference being in the first list of imposed boundaries, to the second set which I do not impose which I have been told I should, is that in day to day life we don’t play on a road so neither will the children who share my life – it is always dangerous, we don’t play with chemicals – but we do have confidence in what our bodies can do and we do have faith in our ability to use basic tools.

  

Bibliography

• Aldort, Naomi.  Raising our children, raising ourselves. (paperback)
• Aldort, Naomi.  Trusting our children, trusting ourselves. (CD)
• Graham Brent. Teresa. Parenting for social change.
• Grille, Robin. Parenting for a peaceful world
• Jackson, Deborah. Letting go as children grow. (paperback)
• Jackson, Deborah. Three in a bed: the benefits of sleeping with your baby. (paperback)
• Liedloff, Jean. The continuum concept.

More than a Bottle

Monday is the day we do a baby/ toddler sign language class. I walked there, (scrutinising the sky for chemtrails - just in case) battling against the Autumnal winds.  In the hall, I settled down with the girls who share my life, metal water bottle in reach. Babies soon flocked over, wanting to explore the shiny beacon in front of us. As the babies arrived over the hour to explore my water bottle I smiled at them and the mother acknowledging them and showing I didn't mind. I watched the mothers' reactions knowing in any given day, at ant stage of my life, I could be one of these mothers:

Some mothers raced over to remove their child, saying "that's not yours"-   Others called their babies "nosey", and one pulled them away saying sorry their baby was trying to steal. One mother scowled disapprovingly and raised her voice repeatedly saying "no", until the child was removed from the vicinity of the bottle.

The most thought provoking reaction was a mother who started scowling and shouting as soon as the baby started to crawl over, the baby sat 5 inches in front of me. I smiled and the baby started to make a noise similar to a wince, her hand darted in front of her and then back to her body. She did this several times. I cannot know what she was thinking, but I guess she was so used to being told off that her need to explore was inhibited with her uncertainty. I nodded at her to gesture it was okay and she gently touched the top. At this point her mother rushed over, yanked her off the ground grumbling "mummy told you no, I SAID no!". A minute later, the baby started crying, I wondered if she was finding a reason to cry and therefore find healing. The babies' mother watched her cry, and was only when another mummy exclaimed that she was crying that the mother responded. I felt really sad for both the mother and the baby, because clearly there was a connection missing. The mother sad, angry, resentful; the baby distressed, emotional needs unmet, unsure and fearful. What saddened me most was that the baby didn't seem consoled when her mummy comforted her.

How would I have responded - in an ideal world, on a perfect day:

I would probably have had the thought they shouldn't play with someone else's bottle, then I would have questioned it and realised it wasn't true. I would have let them explore and waited incase I was required. If the bottle owner seemed uneasy with the baby playing with the bottle, I might have left it for her to tell my baby. My baby will learn about the world given these opportunities. Otherwise I would have gently gone to my baby and expressed my empathy - yes I see, I see you want to play with this bottle but this lady wants to keep it herself. I understand that you want to play with it, can I offer you another bottle/toy? And if they cry, comfort them.

I feel so much frustration and anger that people don't realise that there is another way, that in my trying to be respectful and unconditionally loving I get so much opposition.

Parenting Handout Required? Part One

I keep getting asked the same questions by the same relatives, especially one, so that I can be talked over, ignored and then she has an opener for a two hour session of her saying what I do wrong by using respectful /unconditional parenting practice. I started writing a pamphlet to hand her, until posting it on Greenparent realised after someone pointed it out that if I defended myself I was giving her the upper hand and making her think I had something to defend! It also came tomy attention that while she spends so much time stating that my son has no boundaries, she is the one without boundaries, and certainly without respect. Ouch.

But I shall share some of my answers - see if they are useful or you can add to them!

1. You're obviously not doing a good job parenting, look how unhappy your son is, he needs boundaries. I know much better than you, explain why you won't listen?The reason why my son has been unhappy the last 6-14 months are reflective of a huge change in our lives ( arrival of two babies) the fact we are generally unsupported, isolated and alone. He is mirroring my behaviour.

Any mother who has no emotional support would really struggle. Typically mothers left to be unsupported are much more likely to abuse their children and commit infanticide.

Since having J I have received little acceptance or support. While you may consider that untrue, from my perspective, acceptance means leaving someone to be as they are without withdrawing approval, attention and without criticism.

I am presently at the stage of considering moving to an area where I can find emotional support, alloparents and more likeminded networks. I feel that I don't really know myself, having always been so sensitive to pleasing others, I often just feel torn, "wrong" and I guess I am just components of what everyone I have ever met who told me I should or shouldn't be or do.

2. Why don't you punish him (i.e. dominating and controlling children) he is crying and at his age he shouldn't / he wet the bed/ helped himself to something out the fridge/ doesn't want to wear the shirt I just bought him ? :
Here is an article about the cost of shame: (basis of your parenting style)
http://our-emotional-health.com/articles/shame.pdf

We live in a control dominated society. Most parents styles use control to make children behave in a manner that fits with the adults belief system. Children are manipulated with shame (i.e you're too big to do that), praise, rewards and punishments. Praise and punishments are different sides of the same coin.

Most parents believe the assumption. . that children need to be controlled, shaped, taught. They believe that nature is wrong.

Throughout history minority groups in the USA and empire (disabled, Asian, Irish, gay, lesbian, women, etc) have been considered uncivilised and unable to make their own decisions and have been controlled. I believe this historic injustice is still alive today in the ill treatment of children.

Babies are born able to crawl to their mother's breast, they know how to breathe, they know to communicate their needs. They know when they are hungry, when they need to be held, they know how to heal themselves with crying, they know when they want to start eating and how to learn to crawl and walk. But adults interfere because they were controlled as children, that is all they know, they believe it is the only way). They were never trusted so they are scared to trust their own instincts, and the children who share their lives.

Babies are forced onto schedules and well-meaning midwives tell us they "should" go through the night at this age, they shouldn't cry to be held, at night they "shouldn't" need mummy so they "should" be left to cry, they "should" sleep away from their mother, and they "shouldn't" trust their own body to know what and when they want to eat solids so adults innocently give them unidentifiable mash and coerce and bribe them to eat.

And this control gets worse as the baby turns into a toddler, worse as the toddler turns into a child. There are no tantrums in a loving respectful mother-child relationship. There might be frustrations and expressions that a mother is in tune with, but the child is always right.

 

 

 

School Days

My son has just started school. There was much trepidation in him starting, due to the fact that his school ( like most)  is very much built on the philosophy that children need to be taught and controlled.

From the way society is going, it is clear that conditional love and fear based parenting practice isn't working. I want my children to enjoy learning. Schools can extinguish the joy a child naturally feels when learning, they either do "work" because they are addicting to pleasing their teachers and parents, because they're competing with peers, because they're going after rewards, or because they are scared of failure (and we know greatness comes from learning from mistakes right) - so traditional school doesn't follow my wishes for my children or any child for that matter.

Praise/rewards and punishment are different sides of the same coin.  Over 70 studies have shown that extrinsic motivators are not merely ineffective long term, but can be counter productive. They damage self esteem and the child's authenticity because the child becomes addicted to pleasing others.

On Friday I get a letter from his school saying he has been selected to join a special communication group where he'll learn to make eye contact, to not talk unless his turn, to make and keep friends, to have empathy etc. I do not believe that children learn these things by being taught. I don't tell my son to say thank you, I model it - and no he doesn't say thank you all the time, but when he does it is true genuine gratitude. If as soon as I gave him something, I said "say thank you" I'd take away my joy in giving and worse, I would have robbed my son of the opportunity to contemplate and feel gracious.

Children don't learn empathy from being told about it - they learn from seeing it, experiencing unconditional love.

You might ask why he has been selected - well I never said I was perfect, and these are my ideals that I need support to carry out. This is my aim and I'm getting closer.

Interesting reads:

Alfie Kohn
http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/pbracwak.HTML

Naomi Aldort 
http://www.naomialdort.com/articles3.html

Teresa Graham Brett
http://www.parentingforsocialchange.com/

Robin Grille
http://www.naturalchild.org/ppw/

Please note: My blog is now open for comments

Parenting for a Peaceful World

I have been reading Robin Grilles book - Parenting for a Peaceful World. It covers the history of parenting, how they have been raised through the ages and the building research about how important parenting is in shaping children into adults and society overall.

This book was really to read in its content, but not so easy on my emotions. Some parts were hard to read because they are so raw,uncomfortable in terms of how children have been treated historically, but then as we got into the last 100 years and present day and emerging parenting methods - I felt an impending guilt, self -disgust and  pressure to really do better.

One part, I don''t know exactly how it was put, describes how even the best mothers, those with the most loving intentions, become abusive if they do not have any support. That really hit me. I am not saying I am a child abuser - but okay I am actually. Because in term of how I want to parent my children, my ideals, I am abusive. I really do know better but I find it so impossible because I am unsupported, overburdened and lonely. I am not a victim, not anymore because I am going to change the situation. I don't need to live like this to be at my family's pleasure so they can "pop in" and see a grandchild and then go off to live their "own life".

Looking at how authoritarian parents use guilt, control, manipulation to control - I can see why I have been mindwashed to try to please everyone (up until recently) and now understand the overwhelming guilt, self hatred and shame I feel when I even THINK about doing something my old family don't approve of. I guess if you are brought up to be judged and blamed and evaluated, that is how you think to treat everyone, including yourself. You can imagine our family converstaions - you should do this, you shouldn't do that... so painful and negative.

Something to mull over - I'll keep reading this book however painful I find it. If it didn't ring true it wouldn't hurt so bad, and I think if I face it I can change it.

A poem by Mary Haskell that I have been thinking of in the last few days  - great fridge poetry for parents:

"Nothing you become will disapoint me; I have no preconception that I'd like to see be or do. I have no desire to forsee you, only to discover you. You cannot disappoint me"

A Quest for Sleep

Three nights ago one of my babies slept through the whole night. I've never been one to focus on how long a child sleeps, (not since the two week period my friend pushed Tracy Hogg in me). I have the expectation that my babies will wake in the night.

But I have limits. Each of my twins wakes 2 to 5 times a night.  So I am usually awake 6-8 times a night, and I get insomnia too, so it is really affecting my mood and health.

So far I have tried feeding them up before sleep, I have encouraged them to sleep without nursing, I have taken them to see a chiropractor, I've moved our mattresses onto the floor as one big co-sleeper, the girls are in sleeping bags next to me, I'm offering water in a beaker,  I have given them a bit of time to do supported crying (when every need is met and we cuddle and I soothe them.
(See Althea Solter book for more details). http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0961307374/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/278-2904874-2388251

Nothing seems to be working. I believe one baby is teething and the other has gas but still, give me a break girls!

It will get better, I know this to be true. I know I'm doing the right thing by not crying-it-out with my children. Incidentally, what is "it"? Ever wondered? Crying-out-their-dependency on you? Crying-out-their-felt-needs? 

I guess I will never need to know. 06:32 and I'm winning the battle with the babies in our rocker, if only I could sleep in here...

Fitting In

My son has not been invited to another party. Part of me expected it, I don't fit in so my children are rejected too. I wonder, if I had lived in Salem at the times of the witch trials whether I'd have been dunked?

From a child I've always been unsure of myself, untrusting of others - so I guess that puts a lot of people off. I get that.

Where I live, I have returned to be here three times under pressure of my family. But it just hasn't worked.

The best times of my life were at uni and in the year following when I was gaining acceptance for being me. Now I feel like the odd one out. I'm a real girly girl who is also an intellectual, athletic (okay not so much now...) hippy. It's a weird and suspect mix and I know I can intimidate. 

I cannot and should not keep having to explain my choices - why I breastfeed, co-sleep, eat healthily, exercise, aim for attachment / natural parenting, don't watch TV, don't leave my babies to cry-it-out, baby lead weaned, cloth nappy, don't drink really and don't go out, why we try to follow Jesus and go to church, why we try to live Eco-friendly and want to live sustainably. I could go on!

I watched my son today, how easily he makes friends, how full of joy he was; I wish he will stay like that.

Today we made the decision to move overseas again. We have been considering it in the two years since we've been back.  Our aim is to live in an Eco-village, with organic crops, permaculture, and community. It feels right. I believe that if we embrace us we'll be happier, I don't want to keep going against the crowd and alienating our family.

An exciting prospect!

Respecting our Children

Today I went to a twin group, and at the end my son held onto a toy he hadn't finished playing with. Because they were packing away the two ladies prized it off him in a way that suggested "we're in charge." He got very upset and I took him off to cuddle him, getting looks along the way like "aren't you going to tell him off" as he screamed "leave me alone poo head". I understand their motivation and thoughts, people don't know there is another way to treat children. And to be honest I was struggling with my inner demons to not react to his anger.
Up until the last six or so months I didn't know I could be a different way with him because I strayed from the natural parenting path. But punishments aren't respectful. An adult wouldn't get treated like that? Imagine being at a restaurant savouring your desert, and a waiter takes it away because everyone else is finished and he doesn't want to wait? Wouldn't you be annoyed! Wouldn't you have a little tantrum (in our own adult way) and say "hey bring me back my desert!". Then imagine getting arrested for being upset? Can you imagine the frustration, the injustice?

But if children get upset, then society says we're meant to punish them and control them for fear they won't learn self control. 

Children heal by expressing their emotions, however uncomfortable it feels for us as parents. I used to try and distract the boy in my life, because I found it too painful to see him crying or see his anger as I could not express my own as a child. Even as an adult I cannot cry. Now I see that children know exactly what they need to do to heal any pains. In your loving company they can cry, scream, frustrate and then it's all gone. They are happy again and it is all forgotten! What a gift they have, why did I try to take that away because of my own issues?

Children flourish with parents who have self control and can love unconditionally, that is my aim after all. For the children who share my life to grow up experiencing unconditional love. 

Whilst I know this, I personally, have very little self control and find it very hard not to loose my cool. It's all I know. I never felt loved unconditionally (even though I was undoubtably loved by my parents) and I never had  safety in my emotions. This must be true for most people who are parented in the traditional way - but for me it was magnified by my innate sensitivity.

I have to remind myself to empathise - how would I feel in this situation, how would I react, how would I like to be treated? I forgot more than I remembered at first and at one stage I seriously considered getting a reminder tattooed on my hand!

The more I practice the easier it gets, but I have longer to go on this journey. May be the growth I require will be life long, but I am committed.


This week's listen:  This week I am listening to Naomi Aldort's Trusting Our Children, Trusting Ourselves 7 cd set. This is a immensely valuable resource for me. So far my husband has wriggled out of reading parenting books, and the podcasts CDs - but he heard a bit of this and asked me to put it on an MP3 player for him. Something clicked for him and I'm excited at how this could change our family life. I have been reading Naomi's books, articles and listening to her podcasts and CDs for some time and this CD collection really helped me with the issues I need to work on to be a better mother. Thank you!