Sunday, 10 July 2011

Jessica Rabbit Budge Over

Woman in a Dress

I questioned my husband, "what shall I write about today?". Without much thought, he responds "write about how beautiful you are, write about you wearing that dress today and how men looked at you". 

I replied how I couldn't, how that would be arrogant and vain but then I thought more and here we are.

My husband tells me I am beautiful a lot, and he means it. Even when I had put on 2/3 of my body weight and was post dates with twins he still appreciated me.

After years of self loathing, I'm not going to even contemplate my flaws physically - oh how easily we waste our youth and pre-baby bodies.  Now   I think I look fine, I'm not pretty or Hollywood like, I'm more unique, an acquired taste. So while some say "nice body, shame about the face" (yes, that happened), the person who matters loves me just as I am.

I'm not sure I've appreciated that until now, I just used to say "only you  find me attractive" or accuse him of lying.  I remember a friend remarking to me with surprise "you're husband really thinks you're attractive". Yes I said, wasn't that expected? "Yes, but he really really thinks you're attractive". It doesn't hurt - because beauty and attraction aren't unique - wouldn't that be dull?

As I take him a drink I pause waiting for him to say thank you, then realise that giving does not require thanks. The payback is learning how to love unconditionally.

I walk away silently smiling. It strikes me that learning to love unconditionally starts with loving yourself unconditionally, without vanity or falsehood, just quiet acceptance.

Today's Prayer: Dear Lord I thank you for the amazing time I had with my son doing craft. Sorry for loosing my control - I appreciate you guiding me away from my anger to a healthier place. Thank you for the gift of my husband, he was always meant for me. Amen.

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