Friday, 8 July 2011

The Real Me - What Am I So Scared Of?

So what if what I thought was true?That hell is on earth. That it is a prison of negative thoughts and deep fears that stop you from experiencing the real you?

At my lowest point in life, I remember thinking that home was hell. Every time I was home I felt trapped, lonely, hateful and possessed with a thought that nothing I did was good enough. No matter how much I cleaned it wasn't clean enough, I couldn't purge my surroundings into being good enough. My self hatred isolated me.

So if I've already experienced my own private hell, what is so scary about finding the truth?

I've been on such a journey in the last 4 years. Everything I thought was true, wasn't. And it still continues.

My whole life, I've hated myself. I've gathered evidence from a small child that I'm not right - after all I've been told as much, by family, by teachers.  And I have come to realise it wasn't true. All children are special, all children are loveable - it's just that Western parents have an expectation that children should be fitting with their materialistic, stressful lifestyle.  That wealth, money, narcissism, 8 hours sleep, a clean house and a hedonistic lifestyle are just more important. They believe the untruth that children should be born and then not express their needs - and be left to cry. They believe children shouldn't want to be with mummy. They believe their needs are an attempt to be controlling, manipulative, clingy. They believe children need children peers and TV and junk food and commercial propaganda or they won't be happy. They believe that children need to be controlled and trained with rewards and punishment. They believe looking after children just isn't enough.

But none of that is true.

So while I know this, in my heart, and in my instincts, why do I find it so hard to live with these truths? Time will heal and reveal.

As a mother, I constantly fight with the truth I know and the lies I was taught. I think it is because I've believed the lies for 28 years, and only started my journey for truth and love for 4 - and it is harder to unlearn.

I remind myself daily - that with three beautiful children, and time running out, my need to be a loving authentic parent with loved authentic children outranks any obligation or duty to anyone else.

So let the battle commence!

Today's read - Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch

My reading this book clarified my past opinions that hell is a creation of one's thoughts.

My Prayer - Dear Lord, I thank you for my beautiful children and for showing me the path to my true self. I welcome your holy spirit. Amen.

Today's Food Favourite - Raw salad (grated beetroot, carrot, zucchini, chopped tomatoes, spinach leaves from my garden, sprouted chick peas made into hummus, sprouted mung beans, balsamic vinegar, cubes goat's cheese, cucumber and herb seed topping. Yummy!!!!

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